Cubs are too talented not to win World Series

The Cubs will win the 2016 World Series.

Of this I am certain.

I know, I know — bold statement coming from a columnist with no skin in the game and a batting average of .000 lifetime in all baseball above second-year Little League. (Yes, it’s true two of my buddies and I were essentially forced to quit baseball because the games interfered with sex education classes at the Peoria YMCA. Sitting there with our dads while the teacher told us those bizarre and hideous things was more torment than being beaned endlessly, trust me.)

Yet this is simple logic: the Cubs are a far better team than the Indians.

Who can doubt this?

Since the beginning of the season analysts have said the Cubs have more talent, especially young talent, than any major-league team. Kris Bryant, Addison Russell, Javy Baez, Willson Contreras — players like that don’t fall out of trees. If they did, that type of tree would be extinct from general managers climbing through its branches with machetes.

Yes, we know talent alone doesn’t mandate victory. If it did, there would be no sense in even playing games; just declare a winner based on WAR, WHIP, and WP. But talent is as close to being quantifiable as an abstraction can be.

Remember, the Cubs had seven players selected as All-Stars, while the Indians had two. That’s likely not a mistake.

We can go through every position, compare skills, but you have to remember the National League All-Star infield was comprised of nothing but Cubs. The Indians’ best player might be young, smooth shortstop Francisco Lindor (15 HR, 78 RBI, 19 SB). But is he better than Cubs young smooth shortstop Russell (21 HR, 95 RBI)? No.

Let’s declare Ben Zobrist a better hitting left fielder than either Brandon Guyer or Coco Crisp (though Coco wins best name, always). But we’ll give right field to the Indians Lonnie Chisenhall and Rajai Davis simply because the Cubs $184-million man, Jason Heyward, suddenly, totally, can’t hit. He can’t do it. It’s sad. Not tragic, but embarrassing. And very bad timing for the Cubs.

Chris Coghlan is no replacement. Jorge Soler isn’t either. Nor is Albert Almora, Jr.

A swing coach said to me during the Cubs’ NLCS celebration that he would “cut off a finger’’ just to have the chance to fix Heyward’s swing in the offseason. It’s that obvious.

But forget that, because there is nobody else on the Indians you’d rather have than his Cubs’ counterpart. Second baseman Jason Kipnis over Javy Baez? Don’t think so. Indians catcher Roberto Perez over the three-headed Cubs monster of David Ross, Contreras and Miguel Montero (30 homers and 110 RBI combined)? Nope.

The starting pitching, outside of Indians madman Corey Kluber, has to go to the Cubs. Jon Lester, Kyle Hendricks, and Jake Arrieta were/are all Cy Young candidates.

Maybe Indians gangly, left-handed fireballer Andrew Miller is the best mid-relief guy out there, but nobody is a more fearsome closer than the Cubs’ 103-mph flamethrower Aroldis Chapman. Cubs supporters fretted earlier about Chapman’s 30-game suspension from MLB for a domestic-violence issue, but apparently now that he’s in Chicago, Chappie’s pitched himself clean.

What have we got left?

St. Schwarber, the new patron saint of knees.

How catcher/outfielder/designated hitter Kyle Schwarber came back from April surgery on his completely ruined knee to be a major offensive threat in the World Series is a mystery on par with the spontaneous combustion of multiple drummers in the rock movie “This Is Spinal Tap.’’

Though he hasn’t been cleared to play in the field, and therefore can only pinch-hit at Wrigley Field during these next three games, he might light some candles and suddenly not only walk on water, but run on it. Can you guarantee he won’t play left field by Game 5? No you can’t.

His .429 World Series batting average — with three hits, two walks, and two RBI in two games — makes him the Mother Teresa for baseball beatification. Actually, he went straight to sainthood with that smeared double off the wall in Game 1 against Kluber, in just his second big-league at-bat in more than half a year.

“I’m just going to embrace the moment,’’ Schwarbs said Thursday.

Which means embracing the Commissioner’s Trophy soon.

For real.

Follow me on Twitter @ricktelander.

Email: rtelander@suntimes.com