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And the GOOF Awards go to …

“You never learn anything in school. Think about how many car accidents happen every day. Driver’s ed? What’s up? I still haven’t been to driver’s ed because if everybody I know has been in an accident, I can’t see how driver’s ed is really helping them out.”Jaden Smith, 16, in New York Times Magazine.

Yes, and by that same logic, think of all the plane crashes through the decades, always with trained pilots at the controls. Why bother getting a pilot certificate?

With that GOOFy quote from young Mr. Smith, we kick off the annual GOOF (Greatly Overhyped and Overexposed Fool) Awards. Every year around this time, we spotlight the most scandalous, the silliest and most salacious stories of the year.

The first recipients: Milli Vanilli. Other past winners include Dennis Rodman, Michael Jackson, Monica Lewinsky, Donald Trump and Jerry Springer.

Back in 2006, I awarded the never-coveted Lifetime Achievement GOOF to the Unholy Trinity of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. A few years ago I added Donald Trump to the Hall of Fame.

This year, all things Kardashian will be enshrined. Whether it’s the young one getting spanked by Santa Claus or the rear-end model posing for an oily portrait, they’re astonishingly vapid and increasingly uninteresting. Let’s build them their own wing in the GOOF Hall of Fame and move on.

Before we get to the nominees and the winner, a reminder: the GOOFs are for the most part confined to scandals and stumbles in the worlds of pop culture, sports and politics. We don’t make jokes about serious, violent crime. That means this year, we’re not going to include the stories about Ray Rice or Stephen Collins or Adrian Peterson or Bill Cosby or War Machine aka Jonathan Paul Koppenhaver, who is charged with beating and sexually assaulting his ex-girlfriend and faces trial in February.

Even with Trump, the Kardashians et al., on the sidelines, there was no shortage of wackiness in 2014. Without further ado, the nominees are:

Justin Bieber. What a punk. Just nine days into the new year, Bieber threw 24 eggs at his neighbor’s house in Calabasas, California. Bieber pleaded no contest to the vandalism charge and was placed on probation for two years and ordered to pay $80,900 in damages.

In March, Bieber acted like a spoiled child refusing to eat his vegetables in a deposition about an assault on a photographer. When a lawyer asked Bieber about on-and-off girlfriend Selena Gomez, Bieber whined, “Don’t ever ask me about her again!” He also pretended to fall asleep, winked at the camera and eventually stormed out.

In August, Bieber was arrested in Stratford, Ontario, on charges of dangerous driving while on his ATV. Also that month, Bieber made a $50,000 donation to a charity as part of a plea bargain to settle a DUI case in Miami.

And just a few weeks ago, Bieber moved into a giant, glass-walled home in Beverly Hills, which is renting for $60,000 a month.

He’s literally living in a glass house. You can take it from there.

Miley Cyrus. We know you have breasts and genitals, dear. Enough already with the Show and Tell (and Feel).

Mama June. TLC canceled “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” after TMZ reported Mama June was dating a convicted child molester who abused one of her relatives.

NOW the folks at TLC have a conscience? They put on a show mocking a sad family — a show that required subtitles even though the family was speaking English. Remember when TLC stood for The Learning Channel?

Just a few days ago, Vivid Entertainment offered Mama June and Sugar Bear $1 million to record a sex tape.

Please God no.

Gwyneth Paltrow. Announcing her split from Chris Martin, Paltrow burned a phrase into the public consciousness, and we can never forget it.

You didn’t “consciously uncouple,” Gwyneth. You broke up.

Alec Baldwin. After Baldwin was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge for riding his bicycle the wrong way on Fifth Avenue (one report said Baldwin told the two female officers to “go f— themselves”), Baldwin tweeted the name and badge number of the officer and then complained about photographers harassing him and his family.

The GOOFs aren’t here to defend the paparazzi, but Mr. Baldwin never seems to consider that if one is having so many run-ins over the years, it might behoove one to look in the mirror. Hundreds upon hundreds of actors with approximately the same fame level as Baldwin somehow manage to go years without getting into any dust-ups.

Jay-Z and Solange Knowles. Elevators. Security cameras. You should know this.

Amanda Bynes. Please seek help immediately.

Hillary Clinton. Saying you left the White House “dead broke” is like someone with a winning but as yet uncashed lottery ticket saying they don’t have any money.

Ted Nugent. At gun expo in Las Vegas, Nugent called President Obama “a communist-raised, communist-educated, communist-nurtured, subhuman mongrel.” As Wolf Blitzer of CNN pointed out, “That’s what the Nazis called Jews to justify the genocide of the Jewish community. They called them untermenschen, subhuman mongrels.”

Stay classy, Ted.

John Travolta. “Adele Dazeem.”

Ball-hogging adult fans. The first rule of fan club is, you never deny a child a souvenir. The second rule of fan club is, you don’t elbow aside a fan who was clearly the intended recipient of a souvenir.

In 2014, we saw a number of egregious violations of these rules. Just a few examples:

• A woman in an Astros T-shirt desperately tried to intercept a ball Jeter was trying to give to a little girl wearing Yankees garb and holding a handmade sign. Jeter had to repeatedly avoid the woman’s grabs for the baseball, finally leaning over her and handing the ball to the little girl.

• Boston’s Xander Bogaerts tossed a ball to a little boy wearing a baseball glove. A grown man two seats over reached out and snagged it from the kid.

• In New Orleans, Cincinnati’s Jermaine Gresham scored a TD and tossed the ball to a Bengals fan, Christa Barrett — but longtime Saints fan Tony Williams intercepted the ball and refused to surrender it.

To Williams’ credit, he later held a peace summit with Barrett, who forgave him. And seven Bengals players sent Barrett autographed jerseys, so it worked out pretty well for her.

Still. If you’re a grown-ass man in the stands at a professional sporting event and a ball comes your way, women and children first.

Worthy nominees, one and all. But when all the votes were counted (that doesn’t take long, seeing as how there’s just the one vote), this year’s landslide winner is…

Shia LaBeouf! Of all the self-involved, self-serious, ridiculously narcissistic actors in the world, LaBeouf wins.

It’s been a long road to GOOFdom immortality for the talented but clearly troubled actor. Why, it was way back in 2007 when LaBeouf was arrested at a Chicago Walgreens for refusing to leave at 2 a.m.

That was shortly after LaBeouf told Entertainment Weekly staying out of trouble was “pretty simple when you think about it.”


In January, LaBeouf got into a brawl at a pub in London. TMZ released video of LaBeouf head-butting a man.

Last May, LaBeouf was banned from a Sherman Oaks restaurant after urinating on a wall.

In June, LaBeouf was arrested for spitting on a police officer and disrupting the Broadway musical “Cabaret.” This was just hours after LaBeouf got into a fight with a homeless man in Times Square.

Later that month, LaBeouf was captured on video trying to goad someone into a fight outside an L.A. strip club.

Labeouf attended a movie premiere in Germany wearing a tux and a bag over his head with the inscription, “I Am Not Famous Any More” and he did an hourlong video in which he and his “interviewer,” Aimee Cliff, stared at one another in silence.

In September, LaBeouf donned purple spandex leggings and a lime green tank top and ran 144 laps around a museum in Amsterdam.

LaBeouf also claims a woman raped him during his #IAMSORRY performance art installation in Los Angeles. “A woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for 10 minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me,” LaBeouf told Dazed & Confused magazine. “There were hundreds of people in line when she walked out with disheveled hair and smudged lipstick.”

Whipped his legs for 10 minutes? With what? Why didn’t LaBeouf call out for help? How is it that nobody has been able to identify the alleged attacker?

It was the strangest story yet in the increasingly strange life of Shia LaBeouf.