Cheryl Lavin: Let him go, because he is not going to change

Dear Cheryl,

We started out as friends, but we soon became more than friends and moved in together. He had never really had a serious relationship before me, and he had never had sex. Well, it’s one year later, and we still haven’t had sex. I admit there have been issues in the way, but not even making out? Not even sitting cuddled up on the couch watching a movie? So I gave him an ultimatum: Either we have sex by the end of the month or I end the relationship. Well, it’s almost the end of the month, and he asked for more time. He said it wasn’t easy for him to change his way of thinking. After all, for many years he thought that he would be alone for the rest of his life.

So I gave him another month. Nothing has changed since we talked, and I feel that nothing is going to change. In a couple of months I’ll be out of here and getting on with my life. I’m not a young person and neither is he.

I can’t even get angry because it’s just pathetic. The few times we tried to get serious he actually panicked. The sad part is that I hear the words “I love you” come from him, but he flat out won’t make an effort to even get help. Isn’t it sad that someone has a serious problem like this and doesn’t get help? — REJECTED

Dear REJECTED,

You’re on the right track. Move out. You want a physical relationship with this guy, and it’s never going to happen. Why? That’s between him and his three-times-a-week psychiatrist whom he’s never going to see. But it’s not your problem. And don’t take it personally. You haven’t been rejected; it’s the whole idea of sex that freaks him out.

Dear Cheryl,

I met this great guy a year ago. From the minute we met he was saying things like “We should get serious” and “I’m ready for kids.” We didn’t have many actual dates because he was constantly traveling on business, and then he had to move abroad because of work. But we’ve been constantly texting. He writes that he misses me and sends me his love. But he’s always busy and his mind is elsewhere. He says it’s just temporary and asks me to be patient for another few months. He says he’s moving home soon.

I love him and I’ve put my social life on hold for him. The last time I saw him, I asked if he still wanted kids. He said “eventually.” He didn’t say “now,” the way he did when we first started to date. What does this mean? Should I move on? I’ve been waiting for a guy like him all my life, but I don’t want to waste my time. — TREADING WATER

Dear TREADING WATER,

I wouldn’t break up with him just yet if I were you. He’s been away so much, I don’t blame him for wanting to be sure that what he felt a year ago is still there before he makes any big commitment. You’ve already invested a year in this guy, what are another few months? Wait till he moves back home, then see if he wants to move forward with the relationship or if he wants to let it fade away.

Got a problem? Send it, along with your questions and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com.

And check out my new ebook, “Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front.”