A man full of promises arrived in a golden carriage in the Land of More, writes Phil Kadner. File Photo.

Kadner: Unhappy people in the Land of More

SHARE Kadner: Unhappy people in the Land of More
SHARE Kadner: Unhappy people in the Land of More

Once upon a time there lived a people who had more than anyone in history. They had more money, more freedom and more sports teams making more money than ever before.

But the people of More were not happy. They took more narcotics than any people in history. The drugs flowed despite proclamations that they were illegal and people caught with them would go to prison.

As a result, more people lived in prisons in the Land of More than anywhere else in the world.


The people in this magical place also bought lots and lots of guns because they believed the guns had made them free. Many of the people of More believed that only with guns could they protect the things they owned.

There were so many guns and so many drugs that people began shooting each other, even murdering little children. It was a real mystery and no one could figure what was going on.

Anyway, a time came when the ruler of the Land of More needed to be replaced and a new one chosen.

Some people suggested the queen as a replacement, but about half the country thought she was wicked and lied and there were rumors she lopped off the heads of people in the castle dungeon and ate little babies with her tea, although there was no proof. Worse, she admitted destroying government dispatches after hiding them under her pillow.

The half of the country considered more even-tempered and less prone to emotion decided to call a meeting of their leaders to choose a new ruler.

Before a massive public gathering outside the palace gates, a multitude heard some of the smartest men of the day declare their fitness to rule. But after days and weeks and months of talking, yelling, name-calling and discussion it was declared that “a different sort of person” was needed to lead the Land of More in a new direction.

A hush fell over the crowd as a golden carriage arrived led by six white horses wearing plumes on their heads in the shape of the letter “T.”  Servants rushed forward, opened the door and rolled a red carpet out on the ground.

A man appeared in the carriage door and waved his hand. He shouted,  “I am here to make you great again. It is going to be incredible.”

And the people cheered.

“I will make the drugs go away!” he said.

And the people cheered more.

“I will make your enemies vanish,” he barked, and grown men began to cry.

“We will have more money and more guns,” the man said, “and no longer will strangers come into your lands and steal your things and rape your women.”

Somewhere in the audience a fellow was heard to say, “I hadn’t heard anything about people raping our women.” But he was shouted down by those who proclaimed it could happen some day soon if things didn’t change.

“I am going to build a wall so high around our kingdom that no invader will ever be able to enter,” the grand man said. “I will build a moat so deep that no one will be able to swim across. The babies will all be beautiful, the prettiest women will all be willing to let me grope them and every one of you will have a gun.”

Tears of joy ran down the faces of the people of More, who had been so unhappy for so long, despite having more TV channels than anyone in history and more satellite dishes on their homes to watch “I Love Lucy” reruns.

As the crowd lifted the golden man on their shoulders and led him through the streets, a little boy was seen shaking his head.

“What’s the problem, son?” an old man asked.

“If we get any more of what we want,” said the boy, “there may soon be nothing left of us.”


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