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Dear Abby: Husband thinks it’s OK to call me fat

DEAR ABBY: I am a large, overweight woman. I have been in the process of losing weight for more than five years. I got married three years ago to an amazing guy. He’s the sweetest man I have ever met.

Something he said recently really bothers me. He said he thinks I’m fat. While I know I’m fat — and admit it out loud — I never thought it was appropriate for your significant other to say it to you.

I am at a loss as to what to do because he is right, but it hurts my feelings that he not only thinks it but says it. I have tried talking to him about how it makes me feel, but he just shrugs his shoulders. He sees nothing wrong with calling me fat.

What do you think? — BIG GIRL IN CHAMPAIGN, ILL.

DEAR BIG GIRL: If you call yourself fat, then it’s possible your husband didn’t think his doing so would hurt your feelings.

Straighten him out. And when you do, tell him what other terms you would prefer he use (i.e., “big and beautiful,” “bountiful and bodacious,” etc.).

Point out that whether it is a large or small amount, getting weight off is difficult. Also, it’s not unusual for people who are hurting to eat more in order to compensate.

He married you when you were heavier, so he should be aware not only that you’re making progress, but also that you need his support.


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DEAR ABBY: I’m 30 and have lived with my boyfriend, “Shane,” for two years. We spend lots of time together, our families socialize and we have a good relationship.

My problem is Shane’s use of social media. He takes a lot of pictures and posts them online while we’re together, but I am never in them and he never mentions that I’m there.

Example: We took trips to Las Vegas, New York and Jamaica. He posted dozens of pictures of himself, but none of us together. When we go to nice restaurants, he shoots pictures of the food and solo selfies, but never mentions that I’m there, too. He has female friends I have never met who comment on all his fabulous adventures.

It appears to me that Shane has created an online image as an exciting, jet-setting single guy. But when I say that, he tells me I am being “immature.” I am considering ending the relationship because of this. What do you think? — OUT OF THE PICTURE

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: When a couple has been living together for two years and spends the majority of their time together, their friends usually know they are involved. That Shane has cultivated an image of himself online as fancy-free seems strange to me, too. It may be that he is self-centered, or that he’s not as committed to your relationship as you would like him to be.

When you tell a person something bothers you, and that person not only doesn’t do something about it but blames you, it’s a red flag. But if everything else in the relationship is as fine as you say, it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.

I assume you have a social media presence of your own. I suggest that you fill it with lots of pictures of Shane, the two of you together and the places you’re going together.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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