Bad moms, Bellas and ‘Baywatch’: Richard Roeper’s worst movies of 2017

SHARE Bad moms, Bellas and ‘Baywatch’: Richard Roeper’s worst movies of 2017
2474_tp2_00122r_cmyk.jpg

Sofia Boutella as the resurrected princess Ahmanet in “The Mummy.” | UNIVERSAL PICTURES

If I’m going to endure nonsense such as “The Dark Tower” and “The Great Wall” and “Rough Night” and “Wonder Wheel” — and those disasters somehow escape even finding a spot on this list — I might as well commit to ranking the absolute worst movies of 2017.

So hold your nose, and here we go.

10. “Pitch Perfect 3”

The first “Pitch Perfect” took us by surprise and was a bouncy, catchy confection. Who knew the world of competitive collegiate a cappella contests could be so entertaining?

“Pitch Perfect 2” came across as forced and unnecessary. “Pitch Perfect 3” was a far more serious offense. Even the cast seemed bored and indifferent to trying to milk one last movie out of this played-out concept.

9. “Ghost in the Shell”

This live-action, big-budget remake of the 1995 anime classic (which was adapted from a Japanese manga comic) was on some level faithful to the core of the original, from major plot points to certain visual stylistic choices — but it’s still an insult to the source material, with a convoluted explanation of the Westernization of the heroine (Scarlett Johansson).

“Ghost in the Shell” also commits the crime of being boring, meandering and pointless.

8. “Kingsman: The Golden Circle”

Of all the missteps a sequel can commit, I’m not sure there’s any offense more egregious than telling us to disregard certain important elements of the original.

I thoroughly enjoyed the mix of sophisticated satire and flat-out madness in “Kingsman: The Secret Service,” but the sequel makes a mockery of the original, insults the viewer for caring what happened in the first story — and makes the fatal mistake of thinking we want to see a bigger, louder, stupider and far more disgusting follow-up.

Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne in “Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.” | EUROPACORP

Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne in “Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.” | EUROPACORP

7. “Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets”

The great Luc Besson’s adaptation of a popular series of French comic books is a tone-deaf nightmare. Dane DeHaan, a good actor in what might well be the worst performance of his career, is the cliché-riddled rogue agent Valerian. Cara Delevingne, a not-good actress in what will surely NOT be the worst performance of her career, is Laureline, the obligatory feisty partner.

And the knockoff-“Star Wars” story is lame, rambling and dopey.

6. “The Circle”

If not for “The Net” (1995), “The Truman Show” (1998), “EDtv” (1999), “Minority Report” (2002), “The Social Network” (2010) and the “Gryzzl” storyline on “Parks and Recreation,” there’s a chance “The Circle” would have introduced some new ideas about the double-edged sword of the techno-revolution, and how you can share every aspect of your life and use that to your own advantage, until the moment you realize you’re SHARING EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE.

The excellent filmmaker James Ponsoldt (“The End of the Tour,” “The Spectacular Now”) is the director of “The Circle.” Ponsoldt and the brilliant writer Dave Eggers collaborated on the screenplay, based on Eggers’ novel. Tom Hanks, Emma Watson, Glenne Headly, Bill Paxton and John Boyega appear in this movie.

All due and great respect to their cumulative talents, “The Circle” is pure garbage.

5. “The Mountain Between Us”

From the get-go, this survivalist adventure saga starring Kate Winslet and Idris Elba invites unintentional laughs, and strains and stretches our credulity — and then it gets REALLY bad. After their plane crashes, after they endure all sorts of setbacks, and after they seem resigned to their fate, THAT’S when we’re supposed to believe these two might actually fall in love?

I’ve got your mountain right here. It’s a giant, steaming, pile of …

4. “Baywatch”

Yes, “Baywatch” the TV show was a long-running, international hit. And yes, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Zac Efron are hugely likable and bankable stars.

Still. Every inch of this movie is targeted to the lowest common denominator. Every inch of this movie is a cheap, sleazy, condescending, sloppy money-grab.

3. “Everything, Everything”

Every couple of years I see a movie where about halfway through, I find myself wondering:

Wait a minute. Is this going where I THINK it’s going? Are they really going to take us down that road, and expect us not to hate [insert character here]?

The sappy teen romance movie “Everything, Everything” is just that movie. It’s the story of a bright and beautiful and lovely and sweet 18-year-old girl named Maddy (Amandla Stenberg), who hasn’t been out of the house since she was an infant because she has a rare form of an autoimmune disease, and her “forbidden love” attraction to the dreamy Olly (Nick Robinson), who moves with his family to the house next door.

For the first hour or so, this sappy teen romance movie comes across as precious, contrived and stupid.

And then it gets much, much worse. And exasperating. And infuriating. And nutso.

John Lithgow and Will Ferrell in “Daddy’s Home 2.” | PARAMOUNT PICTURES

John Lithgow and Will Ferrell in “Daddy’s Home 2.” | PARAMOUNT PICTURES

2. “A Bad Moms Christmas”/”Daddy’s Home 2”

I’m lumping these two execrable, Christmas-themed sequels together because they share so many basic plot lines, so many failed slapstick set pieces, so many uninspired themes, and so many fine actors drowning in a sea of junk.

In “A Bad Moms Christmas,” the moms of the moms show up for the holidays and create all sorts of depressingly cartoonish sitcom havoc.

In “Daddy’s Home 2,” the dads of the dads show up for the holidays and create all sorts of depressingly cartoonish sitcom havoc.

In both cases, I’d rather stick my hand just alongside some chestnuts roasting on an open fire than sit through these movies again.

1. “The Mummy”

I’ve been telling you guys forever: there’s never been a great “Mummy” movie, and it’s quite likely there never WILL be a great “Mummy” movie.

The Mummy is stupid. The Mummy is not scary. The Mummy is BORING.

Granted, the 1932 film starring Boris Karloff had its moments — but even the most commercially successful reboots, e.g., the Brendan Fraser movies, were lightweight fare.

A-listers Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe headline the 2017 edition of “The Mummy,” which was positioned as the stepping-stone for Universal’s ambitious and far-reaching “Dark Universe” film series.

Alas, this was a murky, convoluted, insanely stupid, directionless disaster, with Cruise and Crowe floundering and drowning together.

The Latest
The girl was with a woman in the 6600 block of North Damen Avenue Wednesday morning when a person approached and grabbed the child and started running, police said.
Girardi, a Cubs draft pick in 1986, will join Jon Sciambi and Jim Deshaies in the booth for the three-game series with the Brewers that begins Friday.
“You have to have some balls to go out there and perform,” Cueto said, “and I have that.”
Sgt. Michael Vitellaro faces a count of official misconduct aggravated battery in connection with the July 1 incident, according to the Park Ridge police.
El cantautor y músico puertorriqueño Álvaro Díaz habló con La Voz Chicago mientras trabaja en su nuevo álbum sobre sus inspiraciones y lo que fue abrirse paso en el género del trap latino en 2012.