Dear Abby: Bride fears anti-gay guests will ruin her wedding

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are getting married in a year. We have some very close gay friends, and I have gay family members on my mom’s side. The majority of our family is gay-friendly, but a few of them on my father’s side are very open about their dislike of the LGBT community.

Our ceremony will be at a Unitarian Universalist church because we love that they are supportive of the LGBT community and want everyone to feel comfortable and accepted on our big day. I’m terrified that my family members will do or say something to hurt or offend guests at our wedding who have same-sex partners.

I am considering putting a note on my wedding website that our wedding will be a celebration of love, and to please set aside political and personal beliefs and accept every one of our guests during this happy occasion.

Would this be appropriate? I don’t know how else to convey the message that we will not tolerate any hateful or offensive remarks or actions against our loved ones. — BRIDE FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY

DEAR BRIDE: Do not post that message on your website.

Your message should be delivered via a telephone conversation with the people you think may have a problem. A way to phrase it would be to tell them you are planning your wedding and that some of the guests in attendance will be same-sex couples.

Ask if this would make them uncomfortable, and if the answer is yes, do not invite them.

DEAR ABBY: My darling husband recently passed away. It’s a sad time for all of us.

I wrote his obituary for our local paper and included the names of charitable causes, requesting donations be sent to them in lieu of flowers. I sent the obituary to my husband’s mother and sister who live out of state, in case they wanted to publish it in their local paper in the town where he grew up.

They did, but changed the charities to ones of their choice. They didn’t tell me they were doing it or ask my opinion. I found out only when I saw his obituary online.

I am extremely upset, especially because one of the causes they listed is a hospital I feel contributed to my husband’s early death.

What is the etiquette in this situation? Was it acceptable for them to make that change? Should I say something, or should I let it go? — WOUNDED WIDOW IN TEXAS

DEAR WOUNDED WIDOW: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband.

You have every right to be upset that his obituary was altered. What his mother and sister did was wrong. They should not have changed it without your permission.

By all means, tell them how you feel about what they did, and that you feel the care your husband received at that hospital contributed to his early death. Had they consulted you as they should have, they would have known better.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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