Donald Trump’s victory on Election Day upset the majority of Americans who didn’t vote for him. A New England Patriots victory on Super Bowl Sunday would upset the overwhelmingly majority of Americans who root against them even more.
I mean, if Bill Belichick hoists the Lombardi Trophy for a fifth time, we might be talking a Fifty Million Man March (Not Including Undocumented Immigrants) through the crime-ridden streets of carnage-torn America.
Even Couch Slouch might get off the chesterfield for that protest.
In any case, as a public service, I am here to provide my 51st annual Super Bowl Viewing Guide (for Super Bowl Parties of Six or More):
The fact of the matter is, nobody — nobody! — outside New England roots for the Patriots. All of us loathe the Patriots. It’s reached the point where I even root against celebrity Patriots fans, such as Matt Damon, Elton John, Maria Menounos, John Krasinski, Conan O’Brien, Steven Tyler, the Brothers Affleck, the Brothers Wahlberg and that sports guy who had his own HBO show for a Boston minute.
Objectively speaking, it IS amazing that Tom Brady appears to complete passes every game to some fella who was working at Radio Shack five days earlier. The Patriots’ top receivers this season are Julian Edelman, who played at Kent State, and Chris Hogan, who played one year at Monmouth. If I were ever invited to a Kent State-Monmouth football game, I’ve got to believe I’d lean toward rereading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.
As befits America’s gaudiest spectacle, this is a battle of billionaire businessmen. There are 19 billionaire NFL owners, topped by the Seahawks’ Paul Allen ($17.5 billion), the Dolphins’ Stephen Ross ($12 billion) and the Rams’ Stan Kroenke ($7.7 billion). Super Bowl 51, meanwhile, just gives us two run-of-the-mill aristocrats: the Patriots’ Robert Kraft ($4.9 billion) and the Falcons’ Arthur Blank ($2.6 billion).
By the way, Kraft is still missing his Super Bowl 39 ring. He didn’t misplace it — he says it was taken by Vladimir Putin during a business trip in 2005. One of my readers, John Evans of Hudson Valley, New York, suggests that, considering our president is friends with both men involved here, maybe he can persuade the Russian leader to return the ring to the Patriots oligarch.
In the wake of Deflategate, rubberneckers can’t wait to see Roger Goodell have to hand the Lombardi Trophy to Kraft and Brady. Nothing’s going to happen, folks; there will be plastic smiles and pleasant exchanges. You want high drama? How about Pete Rozelle and Al Davis at Super Bowl 15 when Davis was suing Rozelle and the NFL? Or Mary-Kate Olsen and Paris Hilton running into each other at Whole Foods the week after Mary-Kate’s ex, Stavros Niarchos III, hopped into a relationship with the hotel heiress?
Here’s an actual, non-alternative fact, verified by the National Park Service. Since the 2003 season, the Ravens’ Joe Flacco (Feb. 3, 2013) is the only quarterback other than Brady, Ben Roethlisberger and Peyton Manning to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl.
Let’s talk the Falcons for a moment — they only make it to one Super Bowl per century. They barely got there before the deadline in the 20th century, playing in Super Bowl 33 in January 1999, but they hit their 21st-century quota with plenty of time to spare.
And, frankly — though I am rooting for them — it just doesn’t feel like a Super Bowl when the Falcons are in it. In fact, I skipped Super Bowl 33 — went to Go Kart World that day and raced NasKarts on the Super Track for 3½ hours.
Let’s end on a positive note: Your Super Bowl party guests will be thirsty, so provide a selection of fine beverages. On America’s biggest day, we should buy American — for soft drinks, Orange Crush; for beer, Yuengling; for wine, Jordan Cabernet Sauvignon 2012. But as a belated thank you to France for gifting us the Statue of Liberty in 1886 . . . for sparkling water, Perrier. Plus, remember, as the French say, “Qui n’avance pas, recule.”
Ask The Slouch
Q. Why hasn’t Roger Goodell come up with the idea of a weekly postseason Pro Bowl? He could move it between St. Louis, Oakland, San Diego and other spurned NFL cities. (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. Brilliant notion, sir — Racine, Toledo and Decatur would be back in business!
Q. Thunder center Enes Kanter fractured his right forearm punching a chair during a game against the Mavericks. That’s Gus Frerotte-head-butting-a-cement-wall stupid, no? (Cary Davidson; Wilmington, Del.)
A. Kanter should’ve been called for traveling, and then he never reaches the bench.
Q. Were any of your marriages overturned by booth review, and, if so, how close were the calls? (Charles Raasch; Alexandria, Va.)
A. Actually, I tried to reverse my first divorce, but the replay official claimed there was “indisputable video evidence” that we should not be together.
Q. I own an 80-inch flat screen TV and still can’t view Skip Bayless’ entire head. Any solutions? (J.B. Koch; Waukesha, Wis.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!