The Raiders are the NFL’s favorite Strip club

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Members of a laborers union celebrate Monday, March 27, 2017, in Las Vegas. NFL team owners approved the move of the Raiders to Las Vegas in a vote at an NFL football annual meeting in Phoenix. (AP Photo/John Locher) ORG XMIT: NVJL110

Las Vegas was founded in 1905; the NFL was founded in 1920. After nearly a century of uncertain coexistence, they finally found each other last week, embracing at a Bank of America just east of the Strip after an unsuspecting public had dumped off $750 million in small bills.

Heck, if taxpayers had foot the costs for Bugsy Siegel’s Flamingo, he’d probably still be alive today.

Las Vegas will now have three pro sports franchises: the NFL Raiders, the NHL Golden Knights and Cirque du Soleil.

(What, Cirque du Soleil isn’t a sport? Please. Those dancers and acrobats are every bit the athletes that hockey and football players are. Not to mention, a family of four can get in and out of an NHL game a lot cheaper than a Cirque show; Cirque tickets generally are $120 and up.)

The soon-to-be-former Oakland Raiders will become the first team to leave its home city — for Los Angeles, in 1982 — return, then leave again, essentially mirroring Pamela Anderson’s marital history with Rick Salomon.

But the Raiders’ new Las Vegas stadium won’t be ready until 2020, meaning the team will awkwardly continue to call Oakland home for at least the next couple of seasons.

Many pundits have observed that this makes the Raiders “lame ducks.” Lame ducks? It’s more like a lame rhinoceros.

(Frankly, Couch Slouch can’t recommend divorced couples living under the same roof. Trust me on this.)

After NFL owners approved the Raiders’ move last week, Mark Davis — who apparently owns the team because his father once did, proving yet again that blood is thicker than brains — lapped up the Las Vegas sunshine but also spoke glowingly of his special relationship with Oakland.

“We would love nothing more,” Davis actually said, “than to bring a championship back to the Bay Area.”

“After that,” he should’ve continued, “we would love nothing more than to leave the Bay Area.”

The NFL owners agreed overwhelmingly — by a count of 31-1 — that the Raiders should relocate to Las Vegas.

(Dolphins owner Stephen Ross was the only “no” vote — he still prefers going to Atlantic City.)

In enabling Davis’ Sin City sweet tooth, it appears the NFL altered its long-held anti-Las Vegas stance in order to facilitate, ahem, economic progress for all!

Just two years ago, the holier-than-you-and-me NFL would not allow ex-Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo to run a fantasy-sports convention because it was at a casino property.

Ah, things change.

Romo could now hold a Caligula-style, nudist-colony-and-organ-grinder orgy at Caesars Palace with the NFL’s blessing, as long as it were publicly subsidized.

That’s right, let’s not forget about the key component to the Raiders’ march across the desert.

The new $1.9 billion dome in Las Vegas is the result of the unprecedented $750 million taxpayer bounty Nevadans who aren’t even going to games gifted the Raiders.

(Incidentally, both those whopping numbers will rise; in fact, for reasons too complex to explain to anyone dumb enough to read my column, the public handout likely will approach $1 billion before the first $9 Bud Light is sold at Raiders Dome.)

Wow. So a state that annually ranks last or next-to-last in public education — it depends on Mississippi’s mood — manages to dig up that many dollars to throw at a professional sports league that produces $14 billion a year in revenue. State leaders can find silver for linebackers but not libraries.

Nevada’s state motto: Stadiums First, Schools Next (Well, Maybe).

Which reminds me — if we had as many educationologists and knowledgeniks in this nation as we do bracketologists and draftniks, the USA would be far and away the most cultivated, enlightened and literate republic on the face of this flat Earth.

But we are who we are. I just hope there’s a Buffalo Wild Wings somewhere near the new dome.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Isn’t Clark Kellogg the equivalent to Punxsutawney Phil — he shows up once a year, does the exact same thing and ultimately is of no consequence? (Scott Shuster; Newton, Massachusetts)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. What are the odds that the NFL has some sort of gambling policy? (Bob Mitchell; Spokane, Washington)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Could be mistaken, but was that Tom Brady wearing a Jorge Villafana jersey at the NFL’s Phoenix meeting? (Tom Martella; Washington)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. With the move to Las Vegas, is the Raiders’ new slogan “Just Cover, Baby”? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Virginia)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. You can now pay your federal taxes in cash. Haven’t you always paid your alimony in straight cash? (Michael K. Stransky; Washington)

A. Actually, it has been a combination of cash, Groupons and United Club one-day passes.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!


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