“I f—ing love Jay Cutler, that mother——!” – One of many expletive-laden declarations made by a tequila-infused Kristin Cavallari on Episode 6 of “Very Cavallari.”
We feel you, K-Cav. How many times over the course of Jay-Cut’s career with the Bears did one of his teammates or someone in the stands proclaim: “I f—ing love Jay Cutler, that mother——!”
OK, probably not as often as we would have liked (though most of Jay’s teammates did seem to have his back through the years). But we definitely DO love Jay’s fantastically “Don’t Care!” persona on the E! reality series “Very Cavallari” — which makes it so frustrating when he doesn’t make an appearance until we’re halfway through Episode 6, titled, “Beach, Please.”
The first half of the show is all about Kristin taking the Uncommon James team to Destin, Florida, for a team-building, getaway weekend — no significant others allowed.
Actually, it’s the man-bunned, hunky “Retail Associate” Wirth bearing the brunt of the cost. (Wirth, as you’ll recall from previous episodes, is a sensitive stud who vaguely resembles a Lost Hemsworth Brother). Everyone boards Wirth’s private jet for the flight to Destin — and most of the group stays at Wirth’s beach house, which is so fantastic there’s an elevator to take you from floor to floor.
Apparently Wirth is a Crazy Rich Caucasian.
On last week’s episode, we learned Kristin’s best friend, Taylor, is pregnant. Only Shannon and K-Cav know about this, so the trio conspires to keep this secret from the rest of the group, with Shannon downing shots of booze intended for Taylor.
Taylor is 24. Kristin tells Taylor she, too, was pregnant at 24. “People think I got knocked up to keep Jay.”
Who are these people?
One of my favorite moments occurs when the Uncommon James team is pre-gaming with drinks and apps, and Office Assistant Reagan says to the group, “Anything we say tonight does not need to leave this table, so let’s all go around and say something crazy that no one knows about.”
As camera crews capture every moment from multiple angles.
A sampling of secrets revealed:
• “I have an ass tat.”
• “Something that I don’t tell a lot of people: I’m very insecure about my lower body.”
• “I am in the Hooters Hall of Fame.”
• “My ex-boyfriend made this comment, ‘Do you have hair on your nipples?’ ”
I don’t want to give away who says what — OK, scratch that, I’m breaking that commitment by revealing it’s actually Wirth who says he’s very insecure about his lower body.
Other than NHL team reports that are deliberately vague about “lower body” and “upper body” injuries, I’ve never heard a man talk about his lower body, ever. Good for you, Wirth!
• • •
Jay’s first appearance on the show is when a hungover Kirstin connects with him on FaceTime and tells him how terrible she feels.
“Well man, that’s kind of how it goes,” says Jay.
When K-Cav asks about the whereabouts of their children, Jay says, “One’s at school. One’s sleeping. I don’t know where the other one is.”
There’s our guy. All-Pro answer!
• • •
On the gang’s last night in Florida, there’s a “surprise” visit from a couple of the boyfriends, apparently at the behest of Wirth.
If I told you I cared about either of these subplot relationships, I’d be lying.
Finally, in the fourth quarter of this episode, we’re back in Nashville, where Jay and Kristin are walking their two German Shepherds.
“She’s like ‘Bitch, I don’t speak your language,’ ” says K-Cav, who tells us, “One of my German Shepherds speaks German because she came from Germany.”
Cannot wait to hear this dog speak German.
Meanwhile, back in Florida …
Ah, who cares?
Back to Tennessee, Jay and Kristin are on a “day date” to their new farmland property, which is already teeming with chickens and geese. (Jay’s attempt to grab a chicken won’t make anyone forget about the chicken-chase sequence in “Rocky II.”)
Meanwhile, back in Florida …
Nope. Still “Don’t Care!”
Here’s hoping Episode 7 devotes more time to Jay and less time to the women with the unnaturally bright teeth.