Farmin’ Jay is about to become…
Business Consultant Jay!
On this week’s episode of “The New Green Acres,” I mean, “Very Cavallari,” Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler are both rockin’ the overalls and plantin’ trees on their multi-million dollar “hobby farm” outside Nashville when K-Cav says she needs Jay’s help with her rapidly expanding business.
Kristin’s Uncommon James line of accessories and home goods and stuff is booming — but the company is experiencing some serious growing pains.
They’ve got shipping problems. Some items are arriving broken. In other cases, the only thing that arrives is a box — an empty box.
Unless you ordered a special Uncommon Empty Box, good for holding things, that’s an issue.
Kristin asks the former slumpy-QB, who is once again ID’d as only “JAY — KRISTIN’S HUSBAND” in graphics, to make a surprise visit to the shipping operation and lay down the law.
“Go in there and be the Jay that I know you are,” says Kristin.
“I’m not sure what that means,” responds Jay.
“The biggest a—— on the planet,” explains Kristin.
“I don’t feel like that’s a compliment.”
Before we get to Jay’s surprise visit to the shipping operation, a word about the use of “literally” in this episode.
“My jaw was literally on the floor,” says one cast member about a particular incident.
If only. That would have been great. But his jaw was not literally on the floor.
“She was the devil to me, like literally the definition of the devil!” proclaims another character.
Later, yet another cast member says, “It’s literally like when we were 22 …”
Prior to Jay’s visit, we get a rom-com sequence set at the newly opened warehouse. Yep, Uncommon James is doing so well, they’re moving enough product to justify getting a warehouse.
Some of K-Cav’s gal pals enlist the help of the hunky Wirth, who runs a gym, and his sculpted buddies to help the load the heaving boxes into U-Haul trucks.
OK. Here’s an idea. When you’re running a warehouse, you might want to bring in, you know, people with WAREHOUSE EXPERIENCE, as opposed to these Hemsworth-wannabes from the nearby gym.
One of the Uncommon James employees, Colby, instantly falls for one of the hunky guys, who is named Cole. Or is it Cole who has a thing for Colby? No — it’s Colby. Who likes Cole.
In the immortal words of Lt. Gerard in the “The Fugitive”:
I. Don’t. Care.
Let’s cut to Cutler, i.e., the moment when JAY — KRISTIN’S HUSBAND shows up at the shipping offices, looking like Press Conference Jay from the 2010s: hair carefully styled to make it look like it wasn’t styled at all; nifty, brightly colored sports jacket; slightly glassy-eyed look.
With the reaction shots of the stunned staffers and the soundtrack building to a crescendo, this moment is played up as if Thanos himself has arrived on the scene.
Jay takes out a notepad and says he’s here to observe.
Kelsey and Matt, co-managers of shipping, are FREAKING OUT. Another employee begins to cry, for no apparent reason.
“Is she crying?” says an incredulous Jay. Come on. There’s no crying in shipping!
Jay can’t believe all the drama and chaos going on.
“It’s shipping,” he says. “You hit ‘Print’ [for the label] and put [the product] in a box.”
Here’s the funny thing: At the end of the day, LITERALLY AT THE END OF THE DAY, it turns out Jay has made some helpful notes and has some pretty good suggestions for K-Cav, who’s just as surprised as we are that he took this semi-seriously.
As usual, this episode has other running storylines, one involving the apparently controversial and allegedly toxic Kaylee, who was fired as a manager but might be coming back.
This does NOT sit well with some of the other employees. I don’t know want to say which ones, but let’s just say their first names end with an “e” sound.
Which eliminates, like, two people.