“Cut off the head of the snake…there’s something else that goes with that…but I don’t know what it is.” — J-Cut’s advice for his wife K-Cav on “Very Cavallari.”
Kristin Cavallari enters the multi-million dollar “hobby farm” main house outside Nashville, Tennessee, and sees husband Jay Cutler tending to the fireplace.
“Our first fire in the house!” says K-Cav, her heart melting.
“This is more of a ‘me’ fire,” deadpans Jay. “I didn’t know you were attending.”
And off we go with this week’s recap of “Very Cavallari,” the (mostly) wacky dramedy/reality show starring “Laguna Hills” vet and social media force Kristin Cavallari and her husband, former Bears’ QB Jay Cutler, who once again is identified by the graphics as “JAY, KRISTIN’S HUSBAND.”
You know. The guy with the backwards baseball cap, the rumpled camo shirts and basically no jobs post-football.
Episode four of season two kicks off with the continuing drama surrounding the return of — hold on while I double-check this — Kaylee, the Uncommon James manager who had been fired after ruffling lots of feathers but is now returning to work — much to the dismay of, hold on while I double-check this, Colby, who is the head of customer service, who CANNOT STAND KAYLEE.
The mere anticipation of this happening leads to a scene in the bathroom with Kristin comforting, hold on while I double-check this, Brittainy, who has burst into tears after defending Kristin in a tense meeting about the return of, um, Kaylee.
Come on. You’re all vivacious and gorgeous and almost all of you speak with some degree of “vocal fry” and have a penchant for drama. Can’t you find some common ground, or at least some Uncommon James Common Ground?
As the Uncommon James Gang prepares for the biggest day of the year — Cyber Monday — and K-Cav preps for a trip to L.A., Jay has a coupe of the boys over to help him grind about 100 pounds of freshly killed meat into sausage.
This leads to a cameo appearance by “BARDOT, JAY AND KRISTIN’S DOG,” who sniffs about hoping for table scraps.
“Jay loves meat,” says Kristin. “Jay hunts. Meat is important to him.”
And yet they have a dog with the same name as a famous French actress and animal rights activist!
We’ve often compared Jay to Kramer on “Seinfeld.” Now we’re at the point where Jay is mirroring actual Kramer-driven subplots on that classic sitcom. Remember when Kramer and Newman took over Jerry’s kitchen for a madcap sausage-grinding extravaganza?
(Jerry: “What is this?” Kramer: “We’re making sausages.” Jerry: “I thought you were going to watch a video!” Kramer: “Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausages.”)
Out in the woods, Jay confides in his friend Chuy, telling Chuy he doesn’t see Kristin all that much because she’s so busy. But hey, his camo jacket blends in nicely with the foliage! Meanwhile, Chuy is having trouble meeting the right guy. Jay’s advice on that front is essentially worthless.
Meanwhile, K-Cav heads out to the Grove retail complex in the historic Farmers Market in Los Angels for a pop-up shop opening of an Uncommon James store; the shopping operation back in Nashville goes to, um, bleep; and Jay decides he’s going to help Kristin’s friend Kelly (who looks and sounds like Andie MacDowell circa “Four Weddings and a Funeral”) find a man.
Jay’s suggestion: Kelly will sign up for one of those dating apps, but Jay will screen candidates and communicate as Kelly to potential suitors. Imagine being semi-catfished by Jay Cutler!
All this partially manufactured drama seems even less important when Kristin meets up with an old friend from high school and the talk turns to Kristin’s brother Michael, who died from hypothermia after crashing his car and being exposed to the elements in Utah just after Thanksgiving 2015.
When Kirstin talks about her brother’s mental health issues, and the rollercoaster of emotions she experienced when within the span of about one week she gave birth to her daughter Sailor and learned her brother had died in horrible circumstances — yes, it’s on camera, and yes, it’s a segment on a TV show, but this is one of those times when a reality show actually produces real, genuine emotion.
No jokes, no quips to close out this week’s recap.
We hope and pray Michael Cavallari rests in peace.