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‘Very Cavallari’ recap: Jay Cutler thinks big, beyond lawn care and chickens

Score! Jay Cavallari treasures a bit of Uncommon James swag he wangled from his wife on the March 31, 2019, episode of "Very Cavallari." | E!

On this week’s episode of “Very Cavallari,” Jay Cutler is on the front lawn of the family’s multimillion-dollar “hobby farm” outside of Nashville, picking up sticks.

Literally picking up sticks.

When Jay’s wife, Kristin, asks WHY Jay is picking up sticks, he explains it’ll soon be getting warmer, which means he’ll have to mow the lawn — but first he has to pick up any larger sticks.

And that’s when Jay realizes he’s gone from throwing pick sixes to picking up sticks, and now that his NFL career is truly and finally over, he’s probably going to have to find something to do with himself beyond lawn maintenance and raising chickens and hanging around K-Cav’s business from time to time, cracking the whip on the whiny millennials on her staff who are constantly screwing things up but always look FABULOUS while doing so.

What will Jay do?

Stay tuned. They’re not gonna give it all away in one episode.

At the outset of this edition of “Very Cavallari,” Kristin is still back in Laguna Beach.

Last week, there was a genuinely moving scene in which K-Cav talked about her brother Michael, who died three and a half years ago from exposure to the elements in Colorado.

Now she’s walking alone on the beach — well, not REALLY alone, because obviously there’s a crew tagging along, recording every moment — and on the phone with Jay, telling him she’s going to meet with her father, hoping to get him to open up about his feelings about Michael’s death.

Dennis Cavallari is a handsome fellow. He looks like he could be one of the 387 candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination.

Apparently father and daughter don’t see each other all that much, given dad’s opening line: “Take a number and come see Kristin.”

However, there does seem to be real warmth between the two, as they reminisce about Kristin’s first foray into reality television back in the 2000s. Dad says he recalls thinking the footage would make for a very nice home movie — but who else in the world would want to watch these kids on TV?

The laugh’s on you, pops. Or maybe it’s on us. Not sure.

Other than some discussion about how and where to disperse Michael’s ashes, there’s not much talk about Dennis’ feelings.

Later, Kristin says, “I wish I could talk to my dad about my brother.”Gentle suggestion: Send the cameras away and try to connect in a more private environment?

Cut to the Uncommon James warehouse, where the usual amount of drama is underway.

No offense to the drama in the Uncommon James warehouse, but if somebody doesn’t find a body soon, setting off a “Law & Order” type subplot, or maybe someone will claim they’ve seen a ghost, something like that, I’m going to be fast-forwarding past these segments because these lovely people are forever whining and gossiping and crying and moaning about the stupidest, most inconsequential things. You’re telling me Matt is being transferred from Shipping to Customer Service? Other than MAYBE Matt, who else could possibly care?

Once K-Cav is back home, Jay enters in his usual ensemble of backwards camo baseball cap and denim shirt, looking more exhausted than he ever looked after a Bears game. (They DO have three young children.) He finds Kristin on the floor, wrapping gifts she’s going to send to celebrities.

Jay picks up something that could be a vase but might also be a small trash can, and says, “Can I have this?” as if he’s 7.

“If it’s already been photographed, then yes you can,” says Mom. I mean, Kristin.

A little later, at a fancy cocktail party thrown by a local modeling agency, there’s some frank sex talk among K-Cav and a couple of her gal pals. Brittainy, who’s an Uncommon James store manager, reveals graphic details about her first sexual encounter and recounts how her mother explained certain acts to her.

That’s all I can say about that within the tasteful confines of your friendly Sun-Times.