Dear Abby: My abuser went to jail, and I worry about his safety

SHARE Dear Abby: My abuser went to jail, and I worry about his safety

DEAR ABBY: I am 26. My mom recently got my boyfriend sent to jail. We met six months ago. After a month, he started verbally abusing me, which progressed to physical abuse. Each time I was sure I was about to die.

He is now locked up for kidnapping, false imprisonment and aggravated assault. Mom had had enough of hearing about the abuse and took matters into her own hands. I didn’t want her to call the police because I don’t feel jail is right for people except killers.

I understand she wanted to protect me because I kept going back, but now I cry every day worrying about if he is safe in jail and wondering how he’s feeling. Everybody around me is saying I don’t need to worry about him because he didn’t care about how he made me feel. I think it’s heartless to say that.

When he got arrested, I was in awful pain with my neck and back, but all I could think about was him. People are telling me I need counseling, but I don’t think it will help, because at the end of the day I will still think about him and worry about him.

I don’t think the cops and my mom took into consideration how this would affect me mentally. I’m depressed and can’t stop wondering if my boyfriend is OK because I’m a really good and nice person, and it sucks. I am going to go to counseling because I know I need to do it, but Abby, how do I eventually not think about him and his well-being and be heartless like him? — HAVING A HARD TIME IN GEORGIA

DEAR HARD TIME: I believe you are a good and nice person, but you are also one who is very mixed up right now. If you think your abuser loved you, you are mistaken. Men who treat women the way he treated you not only don’t love women, they don’t even LIKE them. Had your mother not done what she did, you could be dead.

If you want an example of what love is, love is doing something to help your daughter, knowing it may alienate her forever, but doing it anyway to save her life. I’m pleased you have agreed to counseling because you need it very much. After you have gone for a while, your emotional dependence on your abuser will dissipate. He is exactly where he belongs, and you need to get on with your life.

DEAR ABBY: Five months ago, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage. We had been trying to have a baby for six years, and we were over the moon excited. We waited 12 weeks to tell any friends or family, but we ended up having complications and losing our little one at 22 weeks.

My problem is some of our friends. I’m sure they mean well, but they continue to ask if we are trying again or if I’m expecting, and some keep insisting that I’m pregnant and that I should take a pregnancy test. It’s soul crushing.

What can I say when they ask me next time that will stop them from asking in the future? We will certainly tell them when it happens, but I don’t want to discuss it until then. — CHANGING THE SUBJECT

DEAR CHANGING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. The most appropriate way to handle these intrusive and insensitive questions (and comments) would be to tell them exactly what you told me in the last sentence of your letter and repeat it as necessary.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable — and most frequently requested — poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

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