The police report seems like a spoof, like something somebody wrote as the framework for a Second City improv class.
It actually just might be the oddest crime reported to the Chicago Police Department all year.
The crime: battery.
The weapon: a pink water balloon.
Location of occurrence: the Playpen. That’s the notorious Lake Michigan party spot just east of the Mag Mile where boats gather by the dozens.
The narrative: The water projectile, tossed from one boat to another, smacked a 54-year-old Chicago man in the chest.
Date and time: 6:48 p.m. July 21.
An argument followed. A Chicago police marine unit boat showed up, but the man couldn’t identify the hurler and refused medical attention.
A 21-year-old Northbrook man who was on a nearby boat told the police he did it. Why? “He stated he launched water balloons at said vessel believing the girls on the bow appeared to encourage said act,” the police report said.
“During this interview, the victim apparently changed his mind and called for medical assistance. At which time [Chicago Fire Department] boat 688 removed the victim from the vessel and brought him to the north side of Navy Pier, where a CFD ambulance met them. The victim once again refused medical attention.”
Reached later at home by the police, the man said he didn’t want anyone arrested.