Dear Abby: Life’s on hold since mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s moved in

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 35 years. During the last six years, my mom died, my dad moved in and then he passed away at 91. Dad traveled, including to see my three siblings, and had a girlfriend. Three years ago, my mother-in-law, who is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s, moved in. My husband is an only child and has no other family nearby.

A couple of years ago, our sons, both of whom are in their 30s and had been in the Air Force, moved in. They have steady jobs and contribute to the household. One just bought a house.

My problem is with my husband. Because his mother can’t be left alone, we rarely go anywhere anymore. And even when we are out, he’s glued to his phone. They don’t have a strong relationship and rarely speak to each other. When I try to talk to him about it, his answer is, “I promised I’d never put her in a nursing home,” and, “Honor thy mother and father.”

We have been to counseling. It didn’t help. We are in our mid-60s and in good shape. I would like to travel before we won’t be able to anymore. His mother is almost 90 and has no other health problems, so she could live five or six more years.

I feel he should put her in assisted living so we can get on with our lives again. I’m tired of taking care of others, and I want to “retire,” too. Am I selfish for feeling this way? How do others deal with this? — HOW MUCH LONGER?

DEAR HOW: I have mixed feelings about your letter. Considering that your father moved in with you and your husband until his death, yes, I think your attitude is selfish.

That said, Alzheimer’s patients need constant supervision, and it is possible that in the right kind of assisted living situation, your mother-in-law could be doing better than she is. Social stimulation is important, and the activities that are provided could be good for her.

The Alzheimer’s Association is a trusted source of information, and you and your husband should be getting help from it. Find it online at alz.org. The toll-free phone number is (800) 272-3900.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is marrying someone of a different faith. She doesn’t want to invite my husband’s first cousin and her spouse to her wedding. The spouse is openly racist, anti-Semitic and homophobic, and the cousin doesn’t contradict him.

My daughter is inviting people of different faiths, ethnicities and sexual orientations. She does not want to share her wedding day with someone who is filled with hate for her other guests and for her fiance. Although we don’t socialize with this cousin and her spouse, my husband believes “family is family” and they should be invited. What is your opinion? — ON MY DAUGHTER’S SIDE

DEAR O.M.D.S.: I disagree with your husband. Because someone is a relative does not require the individual to be invited to every family function, particularly when your branch of the family doesn’t socialize with them otherwise. However, if your husband still insists they receive an invitation, he should follow up the invitation with a phone call detailing what will be expected of guests regarding civility and decorum.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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