DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are going on 19 years of marriage and have three teenage girls. We have had multiple rounds of marriage counseling, mostly with good results, although the benefits seem to be short-lived. Most of our problems have stemmed from my husband’s drinking or smoking pot. He’s not abusive, he’s a good provider, but he just likes to get high. Thank God it’s not often, but I’m not nor have I ever been OK with it.
Our girls recently found his pot stash and helped themselves. When I questioned them about where they got it, they admitted they found their dad’s stash. For me, this is the last straw. How can I teach my kids this is not OK when their dad’s actions say otherwise? I’m now made out to be the prude since apparently I’m “no fun.”
I’m a nurse, and even if it were legal in our state, I wouldn’t use it. I told my husband that I’m done and I’m ready for a divorce. He says I’m being ridiculous. Do I need to lighten up? I think I already know your answer, but I just need to see it to validate my feelings. — ANTI-DRUG WIFE AND MOM
DEAR ANTI-DRUG: Although marijuana may be legal in an increasing number of states, “supplying” drugs to minors is against the law in all of them. What happened cannot and should not be ignored, but ending a good marriage because your husband likes to use pot OCCASIONALLY seems extreme.
It may take more visits to a marriage and family therapist for you to agree to disagree on this, but it is very important that your daughters be disabused of the idea that what they did was OK with either of you. It’s time you and your husband form a united front, and he needs to find a better place to keep his stash.
DEAR ABBY: Because of the recent COVID-19 crisis, my wife and I, like so many others, have been stuck at home. I have asked her questions about former boyfriends and lovers. She told me some things, but when I bring it up now, she gets defensive and accuses me of belittling her and bringing back memories she has asked God to help her forget. I feel I am owed an explanation since they all took place while we were dating (including with my best friend) and with a house sitter after we were married. Am I wrong to bring it up after many years and a great marriage?
P.S. It’s eating at me, and her stonewalling by saying “I can’t remember” is frustrating, especially because all her friends talk about her great memory. — DEPRESSED IN TEXAS
DEAR DEPRESSED: Yes, you are wrong because this isn’t getting you anywhere positive. In fact, it’s the opposite. If you are looking for a divorce after “many years and a great marriage,” keep digging.
While your wife’s poor judgment and infidelity are deeply regrettable, the two of you managed to build a life together and move beyond it. Sometimes people forget what they need to forget in order to function. Accept it and use your quarantine time to do something more positive than playing “20 Questions.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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