Dear Abby: My husband conducted an affair with musician in ensemble he leads

It’s over now, but his wife is dismayed that she’s still in the group and plans to join him on tour.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband of 49 years had an affair two years ago with a woman younger than our daughter. The affair is over now, but I no longer trust him.

The “other woman” is a musician who performs with an adult ensemble that he conducts. He refuses to talk to her about discontinuing her involvement in the group, and is, in fact, including her in a tour in which many of our friends and I are involved. I find this demeaning and disrespectful, but he doesn’t think there’s a problem.

I am dismayed, but I haven’t spoken to friends or family about the affair because I don’t want my children or grandchildren to be hurt. What should I do? — OUT OF TUNE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR OUT: If the affair is really over, the young woman is an integral part of the group and you will be accompanying your husband on that tour, do nothing. (I hope it’s a big bus!) If, however, the affair is not a thing of the past, schedule an appointment with an attorney to discuss what your options are and talk with your adult children. They should be warned there may be stormy clouds on the horizon.

DEAR ABBY: I recently contacted a man I dated 32 years ago, when I was 17. He told me he was widowed 13 years ago after a 13-year marriage. Since then, he hasn’t dated anyone, talked to anyone or had any kind of human intimacy whatsoever. He is 58. It isn’t normal and it doesn’t seem like anyone in his family has helped him get through this, so he is stuck.

We have been talking for the last seven months. We live 6 1/2 hours apart. It seems like rather than “rock the boat,” he has let other people rule his life. His children are all in their 20s. He tells me he wants to visit and vice versa, to see where things go. We both say marriage is not on the table. I can’t even imagine it. His daughters have referred to me as his girlfriend when he has had me on the phone and they are in the background. Please advise. — NO DEFINITE PLANS YET

DEAR NO DEFINITE PLANS: You said your old beau has been living like a monk for the past 13 years. Ordinarily, I would advise you to invite him for a visit. However, in this coronavirus era, you need to know whether he has been vaccinated for COVID before you do that. Discuss this with him during one of your conversations and see how he feels about it.

DEAR ABBY: After 18 years of happy marriage, my husband came to me the other day and asked me to order some “leggings,” or what I call “yoga pants.” He said he had seen them on TikTok. Mind you, we’re both 40. He said they’re sexy and he’d love to see me in some. I’m not sure how to feel about this. I am 5’7”, weigh about 115 and I have no booty. Should I order the pants or be offended? — NO BOOTY IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR NO BOOTY: Order the pants! If he’d like to see you in them, what do you have to lose? While you may feel self- conscious about your posterior, never forget that it’s the booty he married. Please, let that reassure you. (If you’re unsure, consider wearing a tunic top with them.)

P.S. You may find them very comfortable.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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