DEAR ABBY: Thirty-two years ago I was seeing two different men. I slept with each of them in the same week and became pregnant. I told them midway through the pregnancy that the baby might be theirs. One ditched me. I never heard from him again. The other is my husband of 31 years. We went on to have two more children. I have suspected all along that my oldest son, “Todd,” wasn’t my husband’s biological child. When Todd was 8, we did a DNA test, and I was right.
Todd was recently married. I asked him several times before the wedding to tell his future wife his birth story. Todd was adamant in his refusal. He has no interest in meeting his biological father or having a relationship with him. My husband is his dad — period.
I feel guilty for not sharing the truth with Todd’s wife when she asks me questions. She knows Todd was born before my husband and I were married. Todd says it’s his decision and “it’s not a big deal.” I disagree. Should I tell her the truth? If I do, I risk upsetting my son and maybe their marriage. They will have kids in the future, and I think she should know. What do you think I should do? — KNOWS THE WHOLE STORY
DEAR KNOWS: You have advised Todd, and he has refused. Respect his decision. Do NOT go behind his back and divulge this information to his wife or you may damage beyond repair the relationship you have with your son.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 24-year-old male. I’ve been seeing this guy, “Kurt,” for four years. He moved to New York to be with me. He’s 17 years older than I am. At first, it was great. We were amazing together. Then we hit some rough patches.
When I went to meet his family in the Midwest, they treated me horribly. My dad was ill, so I came back home. Kurt let me drive the 18 hours by myself, which infuriated me. I want him back, and I’m also scared to be alone. I have talked to other men online and searched for the love and companionship I no longer have with Kurt. We don’t do anything together anymore, and our relationship has been failing for a long time.
How do I tell him I want out of the relationship and think we lost our spark a long time ago? How do I get out of the rut I’m in because I’m scared to end the relationship? — LOST AND CONFUSED
DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: At 24, your chances of finding love again are probably better than your 40-year-old partner’s. I don’t know how long you have been living in the rut you described, but life is short. Do not waste more time than you already have on Kurt, who may be as relieved as you to see this romance come to an end.
Break the news by telling him calmly that you feel your relationship has been failing for a long time, the spark fizzled out a long time ago and you are calling it quits. Follow it up by saying you hope you will always be “friends,” and move on.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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