Dear Abby: I feel guilty about having a ‘friend with benefits’

Woman feels the arrangement goes against her Christian faith.

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DEAR ABBY: I’ve been in a “friend with benefits” relationship for more than a year now. I’m 57 and he’s 79. I was raised a Christian and wanted to save myself for marriage. This is the first time I have loved someone and been the FWB. I’m jealous of his last girlfriend and what they had together. She wanted to get married, and he didn’t.

A woman at my church says I ought to just remain friends with him and pray God will send me a man who will love and marry me. This is a retirement town. There aren’t many available men my age. I feel guilty because I went against my Christian faith. I’d appreciate your advice. — IN LIMBO IN ARIZONA

DEAR IN LIMBO: Why are you wasting your time being jealous of his ex-girlfriend? They are history. The odds of you changing this man’s mind on the subject of marriage are not good, but you knew that from the beginning. The guilt you’re carrying may be the price you pay for whatever pleasure this relationship brings you.

Since pickings are so slim in your community, please note that I’m not telling you to end it. However, if the situation becomes increasingly painful, that’s what you should do. Because you are deeply religious, this may be a subject to discuss with your religious adviser.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, our son was arrested for child porn. At the time, he was responsible for running our family business. When he was sent to prison for two years, we realized he had been running it into the ground, plus stealing as much as he could. We have not spoken since.

Our grandson is now being married, and he wants us to attend. We haven’t spoken to our grandson or his father since all this happened. Must we attend this wedding? — BAD BLOOD IN FLORIDA

DEAR BAD BLOOD: It would be unfair to shun your grandson for the sins of his father. MUST you attend the wedding? No. SHOULD you go? I think so. When you do, be cordial to your son. You do not have to see him often or at all after that, but keep in mind there may be other family celebrations in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I have a best friend of 15 years. (We even got matching tattoos.) However, I feel like I’m always put on the back burner. I’m easygoing, so maybe she feels she doesn’t need to be a good friend in return? I understand we all have busy lives, but there are 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. It doesn’t take but a minute to send a text to ask how I’m doing. Am I being unrealistic for wanting a friendship that goes both ways? — LOST IN A FRIENDSHIP

DEAR LOST: It is only unrealistic if you have spoken to your longtime friend about how you feel (15 years late) and she’s unwilling to expend a little more effort in your direction. I recommend you have that long-overdue conversation with her and let her know what your needs are.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: “Abby’s Favorite Recipes” and “More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $16 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

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