My unofficial Trump 2021 calendar

The fundraising email landed Friday morning, with “something exciting to tell you.”

“Our wonderful First Lady, Melania Trump,” it read, “handpicked the beautiful photos inside our Official 2021 Trump Calendars, and this is your chance to see them FIRST.”

Donors who contribute $30 or more to the Make America Great Committee will get “PRIORITY-ACCESS to get our BRAND NEW 2021 Trump Calendar before ANYONE ELSE.”

My heart fluttered. The calendar cover sported a photo of Donald J. Trump and the first lady standing in front of the White House, their backs to the camera.

How appropriate. They can’t face the truth. They’re gone.

I’ll pass on that version but kindly offer my Unofficial Trump 2021 Calendar.

The January entry: a photo of Trump wearing a white bathrobe as the Secret Service escorts him out of the White House on the morning of Joe Biden’s inauguration. His “wonderful first lady” is long gone.

February 2021: For Black History Month, a photo of Trump hanging out in the oval office with his favorite Negro, the rapper Kanye West.

The caption reads: “Nobody has ever done more for the Black community than Donald Trump … with the exception of Abraham Lincoln. Possible exception.”

March 2021: We get an image of a famous bluebird, accompanied by a Twitter message.

“Dear Mr. Trump,

Your account has been permanently suspended for repeated violations of the Twitter rules, specifically our rules prohibiting lying, cheating, abusing and for being an all-around ogre. Given that you have received repeated warnings, your account will not be restored.

Sincerely, Twitter.”

For April, Trump is smiling broadly, orange hair shining brightly, as he grasps a precious vial of a coronavirus vaccine.

The caption quotes comments Trump made in the wake of the 2020 election. “The vaccines — and by the way, don’t let Joe Biden take credit for the vaccine,” he told reporters. “Don’t let him take credit for the vaccines, because the vaccines were me.”

For May, another photo of The Orange One. The caption reads, “It was me. It was me. It was me.”

June: “It was me. It was me. It was me.”

July offers an Independence Day image of Trump announcing his 2024 presidential run. As the fireworks fly, he speaks on the grounds of Mar-a-Lago, his Palm Beach estate, and the only property he still owns. His 2024 campaign motto: “Make America Great Again. And Again. And Again.”

August: a massive collage of photos of Trump and his kooky personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani. Pictures of the twosome chowing down on a pile of Big Macs, sharing an overloaded golf cart, arm in arm at a Trump rally.

Trump faces a boatload of investigations, and Giuliani knows too much. Trump can’t afford to let Giuliani out of his sight. The caption reads, “Togetherness.”

September brings a copy of Trump’s 2020 federal tax return, which he has finally released to the public. He claims an income of $4 billion. Thanks to creative deductions, he owes $450.

In October, a flashy ad for Trump’s new TV show. It airs on the conservative network Newsmax. The show’s title: “It’s Yuge.”

November: Trump is escorted again, this time by federal agents, into a New York courthouse. A grand jury has indicted him on criminal charges of fraud and tax evasion. It’s a presidential perp walk.

December imagines a jolly Santa Claus on his sleigh, delivering a present for a special someone: A gigantic boulder of shiny black coal.

Merry Christmas, Donald!

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Follow Laura S. Washington on Twitter @mediadervish