What explains those UFOs: Earthlings make for excellent reality TV viewing on distant planets

It’s obvious we would be an instant hit on the equivalent of the Comedy Channel on the planet Kepler-442b.

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A supposed UFO over Kansas in 2005.

Sun-Times files

An official review of Unidentified Flying Objects, now called Unidentified Aerial Phenomena by the Pentagon, has been released.

The declassified report has stirred varied reactions because it is inconclusive on the key point, which is whether these objects are being operated by aliens from outer space and, if so, whether our government and others have hidden the truth from the rest of us.

Most disturbing is that the report fails to address the question of why an alien race with superior intelligence would spend hundreds of years and the equivalent of trillions of dollars sending interstellar vehicles to our planet instead of destroying it or taking it over as we might when encountering a species we considered inferior or inconsequential.

The obvious answer: Reality programming.

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Our own earliest interactions with different species are recorded on cave walls, much to the delight of viewing audiences on History Channel today. Imagine how delighted an advanced alien race, say on the distant planet Kepler-442b, might be watching the antics of our ancestors as they tried to figure out not only what spaceships were, but the simplest of scientific advances such as fire.

It’s obvious we would be an instant hit on the equivalent of the Comedy Channel on Kepler.

Haven’t we all spent hours watching our own scientists studying insects on a forest floor, monkeys in the wild or those sweet dolphins trying to communicate with a more intelligent human race.

Well, that’s what’s going on here.

I can imagine an alien race introducing a concept such as a sharpened stick. Just to see how we, these creatures here on Earth, might use it as tool.

For days, nothing happens. Then suddenly one of the creatures pokes another in the eye. To the horror of alien scientists, but to the joy of viewing audiences throughout galaxy and beyond, there is a massive escalation of violence as sticks on Earth are sharpened and turned into spears and arrows.

Seeking a better understanding of this behavior, the Kepler Education Channel then launches an expedition to track the movements and habits of the natives of Earth by inserting devices into their bodies.

These are completely painless procedures. Specimens are captured and beamed up to research vessels, where the tracking devices and tiny cameras are inserted.

Then, in an early experiment, giant rocks are dumped in an ancient field in a random pattern.

Hundreds of Earthlings gather round and begin to chant. Some begin to kill animals and place them on the rocks as a form of tribute. Getting no response, someone suggests bashing fellow tribal members in the head and hilarity ensues.

Kepler-442b soon undergoes something of a social evolution as ratings for its Education Channel triple and the demand for stories about the Earthlings surpasses every other type of programming, including its version of The Bachelor.

You can imagine animal rights groups on Kepler raising concerns about the mistreatment of less intelligent life forms and the masses ignoring their pleas, just as we do here on Earth.

Kepler TV producers next introduce a simple sphere into Earthling culture. This generates obsession bordering on madness as the Earthlings kick it into nets, throw it at each other at amazing rates of speed, and design machine tools to hit tiny balls into holes.

The Earthlings invent a prolate spheroid and violently bash into each other while wearing armor. They are filled with joy. They paint their faces in tribal colors and consume vast quantities of alcoholic beverages.

For reasons that baffle and mystify the viewers on Kepler, there are constant wars on the planet Earth. Humans of different shades of skin color murder each other for no obvious reason. Some humans murder each other in self-declared efforts to save the souls of their enemies.

A Kepler government committee determines that termination of the alien creatures is best for the salvation of Earth’s environment and other animal life forms nearing extinction, especially the panda bear, which is much beloved on Kepler-442B.

But there is a backlash. Loyal reality show viewers demand the Earthlings be spared because of their “entertainment value.”

Our antics remain an intergalactic sensation. And so, we survive.

It is the only explanation that makes sense.

Email: philkadner@gmail.com

Send letters to letters@suntimes.com.

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