KADNER: Nothing wrong with this family, nothing at all

There was once a very large family that was the greatest in the world. Everyone knew it was the greatest because it owned more stuff than anybody else.

Anyway, one day a member of the family named Jimmy walked into a McDonald’s and shot a lot of people. Killed them dead. Some family members blamed guns and others said Jimmy had mental problems and needed help.

Everyone agreed it was a shame that Jimmy shot up a McDonald’s. Some family members wondered if things would have turned out different if the McDonald’s customers were armed.

Time passed. A member of the family named Adam went into a public school and shot a bunch of children. Some people blamed the guns. Others said Adam had a mental problem.

The family agreed something was terribly wrong but decided guns weren’t the problem. While Adam had a history of mental problems, he seemed to relax on the shooting range. It was a form of therapy.

Aunt Ethel said in the future there ought to be more help for people suffering from mental ailments.

The entire family agreed that children ought to be safe while attending school and vowed they would do something to make schools safer. There was a suggestion about giving guns to teachers, but nothing ever happened with that.

More time passed. A family member named Stevie murdered more people than anyone in the history of the U.S., shooting with rifles from a Las Vegas hotel window. Some people said he was crazy. Others blamed something called a bump stock.

Members of the family said Stevie was a good guy. Nobody knew he had assembled an arsenal of weapons.

Family members vowed to prevent such shootings in the future, but the timing wasn’t right to do anything right away.

Everyone said it was awful that people couldn’t go to country western concert without being shot.

A short time later, another member of the family, Devin, walked into a church and shot people as they prayed.

Everyone quickly agreed that people in church, particularly children, ought not to be shot. It just seemed wrong.

The president of the United States declared Devin had a mental illness of the highest order, although he had never met him.

Some family members, as always, blamed guns.

Others insisted guns weren’t the problem. People were the problem. And if more people in the church had guns they could have defended themselves.

As the family talked about the church shooting, someone recalled that years ago another member of the family had walked into a movie theater and killed a bunch of people. Someone else pointed out that in Chicago children were being shot all the time while playing in parks, sitting on porches and taking car rides with their parents.

As the family sat around talking about this, a child who had been listening said, “You think maybe our family has some sort of deep down sickness, what with all these shootings and killings?”

Well, that really stirred the pot. There was almost unanimous agreement that our family, the people of the United States, were the best in the world (except for the liberals, conservatives, atheists, gays, feminists and racists). Sure, there were some addlepated cousins, but the rest of us were darn good people who looked out for each other in times of trouble.

There was a moment of dignified silence in memory of the dead. Then someone said we ought to take up a collection for the survivors and their children to help pay their bills.

That’s when Uncle Fred barked that if he had it his way, he would shoot anyone who refused to stand during the national anthem. I don’t think he meant it.

Email: philkadner@gmail.com

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