Dear Abby: New mom unaware that baby’s dad is gay
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DEAR ABBY: My friend “Steve” is in his mid-20s and became a father a few months ago. He’s happy and excited about it, and he’s good with the baby.
He has been living with the mother, “Nina,” who is a few years older, for a while now. Nina is also a friend of mine, and this is her second child.
My problem is that Steve told me some time before his son was born that he thinks he is gay. He wants to wait until Nina recovers from the pregnancy and finds a job before he tells her. I know he intends on being as big a part of the child’s life as possible.
As much as I don’t want Nina to be a single mother twice over, it doesn’t seem good for her, Steve or the children to stay in a sham relationship. How can he break the news to her in a way that won’t jeopardize his chance to be a father to his son? — CONCERNED IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR CONCERNED: This will have to be handled delicately because Nina may be clueless about Steve’s sexual orientation. Expect her to be hurt and furious when she gets the news.
It was reckless of Steve to have had unprotected sex with Nina under these circumstances. That said, gay men can be great parents, and the focus should be on successful co-parenting of the child.
If Steve were straight and found another woman, or fell out of love with Nina, it would affect the relationship in much the same way as his realization that he is gay. In either of those scenarios, the baby must be raised with love and consistency, whether the parents are coupled or not.
Steve’s moral responsibility to his son will last forever. Gay or straight, Steve will always be that child’s father. His financial responsibility will last until the boy is no longer a minor.
If your friend encounters trouble achieving a workable solution with Nina regarding co-parenting, he should contact lambdalegal.org. Lambda Legal is a national organization committed to achieving full recognition of the civil rights of LGBT people.
DEAR ABBY: I am dating an awesome man who happens to be married. He and his wife have been separated for 10 years and they still talk to each other, but they are not living together.
“Mr. Right” is retired from the military and says they are still married because of her health issues and the fact that she can’t afford health care on her own. Should we continue to see each other? — HIS HONEY IN HOUSTON
DEAR HONEY: If you are satisfied with the relationship, enjoy it for what it is. But if you aspire to anything more, this man is not in a position to give it to you. (Instead of referring to him as “Mr. Right,” it might be more accurate to call him “Mr. Right for Now.”)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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