Cheryl Lavin: Advice for woman recently out of long marriage

Kyla is the woman whose second husband left her after 30 years of a disastrous marriage that included physical abuse. She is devastated.

“I lost another husband and I’m having a hard time understanding why. In our society, a man of any age can find a new partner. A woman can’t. Who’s going to want me now?

Your thoughts . . .

DAVIS: My friends and I are older guys and it might be easier for us to get a date than our female contemporaries. But Kyla should remember a few things.

First, older guys might like the look of a younger woman but couldn’t stand to be with her. Younger women are more likely to have debts, small children or a ticking biological clock. Older men would rather avoid these things. Mature women have established their careers, learned to live within their means, and, finished raising the wee ones.

Second, most of older women who get dates stay engaged socially, intellectually, and spiritually. They keep in close contact with friends and family and keep up with books, newspapers and movies so they can have interesting conversations. They maintain their spiritual and physical balance.

Women who start with this solid base can move forward with charm, confidence, and plenty of fun things to do besides go on a date.

Third, if you believe nobody wants you, you create a vibe that fulfills your prophecy. If you’re looking forward to doing many things unrelated to dating, you’re much more likely to find a date and see that person again.

Grownup men like grownup women.

CARLA: Three weeks before my 50th birthday, I moved from the East Coast to the Southwest. I’d been single for 10 years and comfortable in my own skin and with my own company. I’d let go of the need for a partner to complete my life.

I bought my house from an old friend and in the process made friends with Jack, a friend of his. For months we were just good buddies, hanging out and going for coffee. Then one day while giving him a hug good-bye, something clicked.

We’ve been together now for seven years and married for four.

The trick is realizing that you’re a complete person unto yourself. You can do anything (or hire someone if you can’t) and go anywhere.

Potential partners sense neediness and desperation and run for the hills. They respond to self-confident, complete people by wanting to get to know and be with that person.

For now, Kyla, focus on the positive — the chance to start fresh without an abusive, controlling, belittling spouse. You’re free. It’s an adventure. Embrace it. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Get a massage, a make-over, volunteer, take a class at the local community college. Believe that you are worthy of goodness and accept it into your life. Learn to love yourself.

It may take a few false starts and unsure baby steps, but that’s OK. It’s a learning curve. Act “as if” — as if you’re that self-confident, independent woman. Before long, you are not acting it, you’re it.

Been there, done that, and have a few T-shirts to prove it.

Have you made a new life for yourself? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com.

And check out my new ebook, “Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front.” COPYRIGHT 2014 CREATORS.COM