Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, Will Ferrell reprise as President Bush on "Saturday Night Live" Thursday. Transcript

WILL FERRELL RETURNS TO “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” AS PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH ON

“SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WEEKEND UPDATE THURSDAY” OCTOBER 23.

TINA FEY REPRISES HER ROLE AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN

New York, NY – October 23, 2008 – Coming off the record breaking ratings of

last Saturday’s SNL — the highly-rated SNL live primetime “Weekend Update

Thursday” finished its three-week run tonight with the return of SNL alum Will

Ferrell as President George W. Bush, joined by the current talk of the political

world – Tina Fey as Governor Sarah Palin. The show opened with President Bush

giving a public endorsement of the McCain-Palin ticket.

In addition, the half-hour live broadcast featured an extended “Weekend Update”

with Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler, which also featured Fred Armisen takes a page

from the 24-hour cable news networks, showing off the “Weekend Update mega-pixel

giant touch map, Kenan Thompson as “Update” financial expert Oscar Rogers and a

digital short featuring Andy Samberg urging new voters to register.

“Saturday Night Live” returns live this Saturday with host Jon Hamm (“Mad Men”)

and musical guest Coldplay.

Highlights from the Bush Endorsement sketch are below:

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH – “Hello, my fellow Americans. I have

chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because quite frankly every

time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry,

Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the

midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates: the

hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized and

display much characterization. And yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver

Bullet about a half-hour ago. I’m out of here in a few months, so screw it.

But before I leave I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain by giving them

what every candidate wants most: a prime-time heavily publicized network

endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don’t pinch yourself John, you are

awake!”

FERRELL AS BUSH (CONT’D) — “Now I tried to do this several months ago but

somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence

as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn’t want my

endorsement to be too public. But now with the country on a big upswing and my

numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale ‘much

love’ to McCain and Palin…”

(WILL FORTE, as an AIDE enters and whispers in BUSH’s ear)

FERRELL AS BUSH (CONT’D) – “What? Really? Why didn’t you tell me Jeff? I’ve

just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a

horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That

one’s on me. Four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone.

So… You know what, let’s bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.”

(TINA FEY as GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN enters smiling and waving and sits next to

BUSH on the front the desk)

TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN – “So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I’ve

seen you on TV.”

FERRELL AS BUSH – “Where’s McRage?”

FEY AS PALIN – “You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin’ around

this great country of ours talkin’ about change and energy independence and

William Ayers, and doin’ a little shoppin’, but unfortunately Senator McCain,

upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found.

He was last seen travelin’ on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband and

two of his drinkin’ buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.

FERRELL AS BUSH – “Well, We’ll smoke him out. George Bush always finds his man

save for one huge exception.”

FEY AS PALIN – “We are gonna get ‘er done.”

FERRELL AS BUSH – “My God you are folksy.”

FEY AS PALIN – “Why thank you Mr. President. I like to think I’m one part

practiced folksy , one part sassy and a little dash of high school bitchy.”

FERRELL AS BUSH – “For a little while I was trying to be folksy but after a bit,

it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as

Vice President. As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most

important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how

we tax the citizens and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do

nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin…”

FEY AS PALIN – “Actually, Mr. President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on

you, but I think it’s actually the other way around. I think the Vice President

reports to the President.”

FERRELL AS BUSH – “Really? That’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me

down on the first day.”

(DARRELL HAMMOND as SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN is brought in, struggling with JASON

SUDEIKIS as TODD PALIN in a snowsuit.)

SUDEIKIS AS TODD PALIN – “We out-mavericked the maverick!”

HAMMOND AS MCCAIN – “Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a

pleasure.”

FERRELL AS BUSH – “Good to see you, John. Hey let’s get a photo of this;

it’ll really help your campaign out. Now let me do this: I, George W. Bush,

endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart…”

(MCCAIN tries to drift out of frame but is pulled back by BUSH)

FERRELL AS BUSH (cont’d) – “John was there for me ninety percent of the time

over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George

W. Bush. Think of this face. When you’re in the voting booth, before you vote

– picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W.

Bush.

(to MCCAIN) You’re welcome. So, I want to be there you, John for the next eight

years.”

FEY AS PALIN -The next sixteen years!

FERRELL AS BUSH – (to an off-camera photographer) “Let’s get a safety. I think

I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. But most of all I support

them because…Live from New York…It’s Saturday Night!!!!

Quotables from tonight’s “Weekend Update” are below:

“WEEKEND UPDATE” CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER – “While campaigning for Barack Obama

this week, Hillary Clinton said that the Democrats have a new slogan, ‘jobs,

baby, jobs.” While Bill Clinton is sticking with his slogan, ‘please, baby,

please.’”

POEHLER – “The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012

deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to

US ports. “Thanks for the heads up,” said terrorists.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” CO-ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – “In an interview this weekend, Sarah

Palin said that when the media criticizes her children “the mama grizzly in me

comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.” Which is exactly what a

mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter.”

MEYERS – “India on Tuesday launched its first unmanned moon mission. Not to be

outdone, Afghanistan let a boy fly a kite.”

POEHLER – “Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as ‘Joe the Plumber,’ said this week

that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to

his bathroom mirror, he’s full of crap.”

POEHLER – “The biological father of Madonna’s adopted son said his boy might be

‘better off’ with him in Malawi now that she and husband Guy Ritchie are

divorcing. Said the son, ‘No, I’m good,’ and continued on his way to baby yoga

class.”

POEHLER – “Election officials in Chicago’s northern suburbs are trying to find

out why voter registration was sent to “Princess Noodleman,” a goldfish. Oh, I

don’t know, maybe because she has the world’s most awesome goldfish name?”

MEYERS – “Japanese climbers returning from a mountain in western Nepal said on

Tuesday that they had found footprints they think belonged to the abominable

snowman, but turned out to be the footprints of a non-Japanese person.”

MEYERS – “A school in New York City is offering a class called “The Art of

Charm,” which is a $3500 dollar, one-week program that teaches romantically

challenged men how to successfully hit on women. Because if anyone’s knee-deep

in tail, it’s the guy who teaches at the Learning Annex.”

MEYERS – “There is growing trend among some parents toward home-schooling

children because they believe that mandated vaccinations for public schools are

unsafe. This is expected to lead to another new trend: dying of polio.”

POEHLER – “Two British women who were lifelong friends were surprised to

discover that they were actually sisters. And have spent every day since trying

really hard to forget about that one time in college.”

POEHLER – “According to secret files made public Monday, two U.S. fighter planes

in 1957 were ordered to shoot down a UFO over the English countryside, but the

object flew away. Another narrow escape for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

MEYERS – “A cat, named Platina Luna Blade Runner, was the winner oh this year’s

Best of the Best Award at the Cat Fancy Championship at Madison Square Garden.

Though I wonder if he would have won if they had used his full name, Platina

Luna Hussein Blade Runner.”

POEHLER – “Officials at a small zoo in Texas are searching for a 6-foot tall

camel named Moses and his pint-sized pony sidekick Coco who wandered away from

the facility. ‘They went thataway,’ said a man and his friend who looked

nothing at all like a camel and pony in disguise.”

Photos from SNL are available on www.nbcumv.com and via the Associated Press.

Embeddable video highlights of the show are available at http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/

.

“Saturday Night Live” is from SNL Studios in association with Broadway

Video. The creator and executive producer is Lorne Michaels. Steve Higgins

produces. Marci Klein and Mike Shoemaker are producers. Seth Meyers is head

writer. Don Roy King directs.