A farewell to 'Secret Talents' and the stars who didn't actually have them

It should surprise no one who was robbed of an hour of their lives Tuesday that CBS’s “Secret Talents of the Stars” has been (gulp) canceled after just one amazing (for all the wrong reasons) episode.

I watched in morbid delight from the opening monologue, when an uncontrollably shaking John O’Hurley — they guy who’s made a career masquerading as his recurring character J. Peterman from “Seinfeld” — outlined the show’s seemingly can’t-miss premise.

CBS was somehow certain it had struck television gold by taking B-, C- and D-list stars, exploiting some passing interest or mild hobby they might have, and then pumping it up as a ‘secret talent.’ How did this not take?

George Takai — Sulu of “Star Trek” fame — took his secret talent from the shower to national television with a rendition (and I use this word loosely) of “On the Road Again.”

Country singer Clint Black showed us that there’s a difference between charming and funny — and that one does not equate to the other. He possesses one of these characteristics (hint: it has nothing to do with his purported ‘talent’).

Figure skating darling Sasha Cohen reminded us why contorsionism has never really caught on in the United States.

And the judges — Debbie Reynolds, Brian McNight and producer Gavin Polone — were simply regrettable. Perhaps their finest moment as a group came following Mya’s performance.

Though she held her own as a tap dancer (though I can’t imagine how we were supposed to believe that this talent was a secret), all the judges could seem to agree upon was that Mya is, indeed, hot. Alas, Mya’s performance was not enough to carry the show — especially since she was VOTED OFF!?!?!?! along with the Takai.

The only tragedy is that the American public will never get to see all the hard work that Roy Jones Jr. put in to learning how to rap. They’ll never be titalated by Danny Bonaduce’s unicycle riding. And how will any of us ever sleep knowing that there’s video footage out there of “Nature Boy” Ric Flair salsa dancing that we’ll never see?

It seems in the end that “American Idol” meets “Dancing With the Stars” meets “America’s Got Talent” meets “The Surreal Life” doesn’t make the delectable reality soup that someone originally thought it would. Better luck next time, CBS. How about a reality show to find your next evening news anchor?