MINNEAPOLIS – Spending most of my offseasons in the Twin Cities and having married into a Minnesotan family, I am very qualified to now put out this very important piece of literature:
1. First of all, if you are a Minnesota female sports fan, you will undoubtedly go to the event with your significant other and get looks. See, there is a serious problem in the Twin Cities called “Out Kicked Your Coverage Syndrome.” For some reason, Minneapolis is one of those few cities where the women are far superior looking to the males, hence making the selection pool very one-sided. Every couple you see at a sporting event will fit this description: good-looking woman and man that looks like either Larry, Darryl or Darryl from the Bob Newhart Show. Just a fact.
2. Minnesota sports fan will spend all day before the event doing the “Lou Holtz.” That means downplaying their team to the point where it sounds like they have no chance to win. What this does is set them up for a win-win situation. If they lose, “See, I told you, we’re just a small-market team.” If they win, “Yeah, eat that you big-city folk!”
3. Lay in the weeds until a division title is locked in. See, Minnesotans don’t like to talk trash … until after the fact. They downplay, downplay, downplay, then strike.
4. Finally, have a lot of outdoor hobbies. Yes, their little-engine-that-could teams are built to reach the postseason, but then fade out quicker than you can say, “Surrender Morneau, you’re Canadian!” Or as Mark Buehrle put it years ago – “one and done.” That’s why Minnesotans always have a Plan B hobby – because they need it.