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Does White House want you to pick which turkey will die?

Is this what was meant by “death panels”?

The White House has turned the choice for this year’s National Thanksgiving Turkey into a popularity contest. The American people, who just last year chose President Obama over Mitt Romney, now have to face another stark choice: Caramel or Popcorn. Besides having two of the worst turkey names ever, the two are able to make their case in sound clips that sound only slightly more muddled than most rhetoric from Capitol Hill.

So what will happen to the loser? Is this a state-sponsored public execution? A Hunger Games-esque trial of brutality?? Will President Obama dine on the loser, wiping away so much turkey grease using the Declaration of Independence? Why must he continue to make a mockery of our national holidays?? DOES HE WANT US TO CHOOSE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH?!?!

Of course not. Stop it.

Just like in years past, both turkeys will be pardoned. It says that on the website. It’s just something clever the White House likes to do to drum(stick) up interest in… something. But, no, you’re not going to vote on which turkey gets killed. Unless they both get killed and eaten which is just as likely but let’s not dwell on that.

(Meanwhile, the White House-chosen hashtags have previous uses that throw a minor wrench in the voting: #TeamCaramel has been used for more racially-tinged topics.)

So rest easy, there are no turkey death panels.

[View the story “Hilarous tweets about the National Thanksgiving Turkey” on Storify]