If any of us is lucky enough to live long enough, perhaps we will see the day in which Bill Belichick is outcoached and Tom Brady isn’t forever 25 and the loathsome, damnable New England Patriots don’t get every break and every call en route to winning every other Super Bowl.
Then again, maybe we’ll be lucky enough to have the football heavens drop the Philadelphia Eagles out of the sky on a clear and cold Minneapolis evening.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
As usual, I took in all of Super Bowl Sunday and took copious notes:
12:03 p.m.: Eagles and Patriots players have run into each other all week at Mall of America — didn’t realize they were all fans of American Girl Bistro.
12:09: NBC making a big deal about a wind chill of 19 below for a game that is being played indoors.
12:27: Sam Waterston returns to “Law & Order” Wednesday. I never knew he left.
12:46: Patriots are staying at J.W. Marriott Hotel, mostly so Rex Burkhead can get Marriott reward points.
1:30: Tom Brady walks onto Team Bus 2 before realizing that QB1 is supposed to be on Team Bus 1. What an idiot.
1:55: Toni says she’s leaving if I don’t go to the Getty Museum with her instead of watching my 52nd straight Super Bowl.
1:55:15: While glancing at Von Miller sampling hot sauces, I help Toni pack.
2:28: Is this the Super Bowl pregame or the Winter Olympics pregame?
3:13: Liam McHugh just looks and feels like the new Bob Costas; I wonder if he keeps baseball cards in his wallet.
3:59: Every time my dog Daisy sees that Terrell Owens Pizza Hut commercial, she barks twice and crawls under the coffee table.
4:42: If NBC’s pregame runs any longer, we might get promos for “Bonanza” and “The Man from U.N.C.L.E.”
4:56: Rodney Harrison picks the Patriots; if they were playing basketball against the Harlem Globetrotters, he’d pick the Patriots.
5:27: That coin toss seemed rigged, no?
5:47: If Dr. Oz is flying Turkish Airlines, I’ll go Greyhound.
5:59: Nick Foles is more accurate than Doppler radar with a Waze app.
6:05: Patriots offense gets its first penalty this postseason — it must’ve been incredibly obvious, like someone pulling a knife.
6:24: I know Bill Belichick’s a genius, but the Patriots just asked their 40-year-old quarterback with a bad hand to catch a pass.
6:48: My screen goes black for 27 seconds. I believe it was highlights from my first marriage.
7:03: This fourth-and-one Eagles trick play is the call of the century, other than Bonanno crime boss Joseph Massino dropping a dime on the Cosa Nostra in 2004.
7:22: I’m not a huge Justin Timberlake fan, so I drive Toni to the airport.
7:58: I’m sitting next to Walt Coleman — he says this Corey Clements touchdown is NOT a catch.
8:01: Do you believe in miracles? Patriots don’t get a touchdown reversal, per union standard.
8:59: Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth don’t think Zach Ertz TD is a catch. Do you believe in miracles again? It is!
9:03: Still next to me, Walt Coleman says this might be another Brady tuck-rule fumble. He’s wrong again.
9:12: If Brady goes 91 yards in 58 seconds, I am joining Greenpeace by midnight.
9:17: If the Russians did any meddling on this one, you’ll never hear another bad word from Couch Slouch about Vladimir Putin.
Ask The Slouch
Q. You were celebrated as the “alum of the game” last week when the Maryland men’s basketball team played Michigan State. Did you have to pay for this honor, like getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? (Steve Silver, Baltimore)
A. I paid plenty when I matriculated at College Park — they’re called “parking tickets.”
Q. During the State of the Union speech, wouldn’t the Democrats have made a bigger impression if they simply took a knee throughout the presentation? (Rich Tucker, Washington, D.C.)
A. Following the NFL’s no-politics lead of not allowing a national-anthem commercial during the Super Bowl, I am trying to keep Ask The Slouch public-affairs-free.
Q. If President Trump builds the wall, do you think Mexico will win the pole vault in the next Summer Olympics? (Gordon Gregg, Ashton, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash.