Much of the discussion of the draft hauls from the Cubs and White Sox will key in on first-round picks Nico Hoerner and Nick Madrigal, so it’s easy to forget that the teams actually selected a combined 82 players over the course of 40 rounds.
That’s a lot of prospects, and once you’re on pick 954, it’s hard to get excited about the prep third baseman who might arrive in 2022 if everything works out.
But there’s one very good reason to keep tuning into the MLB Draft after the first few picks, and it’s not about the game. It’s about the names. Oh, the sweet, sweet names.
One of the best parts of following the draft each year is seeing the amazing names of some of the players selected. It’s 2018, and that means we get like 14 different spellings of Brandon and a top prospect who spells Konnor with a “K.” (Which, thinking about it, is actually rather appropriate for a pitcher.)
So in honor of the delightfully bizarre names that make the world go round, let’s rank the players drafted by the Cubs and White Sox over the past three days solely based on the subjective quality of their names. It doesn’t matter whether you can hit, run or even catch a ball. Just have a good name.
The “generic Costco brand” tier
Ethan Roberts, Cubs 4th round
Luke Reynolds, Cubs 10th round
Cameron Sanders, Cubs 12th round
Chris Allen, Cubs 20th round
Jack Patterson, Cubs 32nd round
Jacob Campbell, Cubs 36th round
Chase Hanson, Cubs 38th round
Andrew Perez, White Sox 8th round
Gabriel Ortiz, White Sox 19th round
Nick Johnson, White Sox 21st round
Ryan Fitzpatrick, White Sox 22nd round
Jason Morgan, White Sox 35th round
The “your name still isn’t fun” tier
Brennen Davis, Cubs 2nd round
Jimmy Herron, Cubs 3rd round
Andy Weber, Cubs 5th round
Riley Thompson, Cubs 11th round
Riley McCauley, Cubs 14th round
Josh Sawyer, Cubs 16th round
Carlos Vega, Cubs 21st round
Blake Whitney, Cubs 24th round
Julian Boyd, Cubs 26th round
Drew Wharton, Cubs 30th round
Miguel Pabon, Cubs 34th round
Henry Vilar, Cubs 37th round
Nick Madrigal, White Sox 1st round
Kevin Maldonado, White Sox 11th round
Isaiah Carranza, White Sox 12th round
Luke Shilling, White Sox 15th round
Ty Greene, White Sox 16th round
Jimmy Galusky, White Sox 20th round
Jack Maynard, White Sox 25th round
Devon Perez, White Sox 26th round
Ian Dawkins, White Sox 27th round
Logan Sowers, White Sox 28th round
Taylor Varnell, White Sox 29th round
Austin Conway, White Sox 31st round
Aaron Soto, White Sox 32nd round
Bryce Bush, White Sox 33rd round
Alec Valenzuela, White Sox 34th round
Adrian Del Castillo, White Sox 36th round
Mason Montgomery, White Sox 39th round
Kyle Salley, White Sox 40th round
The “hey at least it’s hard to spell” tier
Cole Roederer, Cubs 2nd round
Paul Richan, Cubs 2nd round
Jake Reindl, Cubs 17th round
Jonathan Stiever, White Sox 5th round
Jason Bilous, White Sox 13th round
Travis Moniot, White Sox 17th round
The “two first names” tier
Kohl Franklin, Cubs 6th round
Derek Casey, Cubs 9th round
Hunter Taylor, Cubs 23rd round
Mitchell Parker, Cubs 28th round
Levi Jordan, Cubs 29th round
Clayton Daniel, Cubs 31st round
Davis Martin, White Sox 14th round
The “runners up” tier
Ezequiel Pagan, Cubs 13th round
Tyler Durna, Cubs 15th round
Dalton Hurd, Cubs 25th round
Lency Delgado, White Sox 4th round
Codi Heuer, White Sox 6th round
Cabera Weaver, White Sox 7th round
Bennett Sousa, White Sox 10th round
Romy Gonzalez, White Sox 18th round
Lane Ramsey, White Sox 23rd round
Rigo Fernandez, White Sox 24th round
Michah Coffey, White Sox 30th round
Matthew Klug, White Sox 38th round
The top 15
15. Tyler Ras, Cubs 33rd round
Now I’ve seen a lot of four-letter last names, but a THREE-letter last name? That’s … interesting.
14. D.J. Artis, Cubs 7th round
13. Pierson Gibis, Cubs 39th round
12. Edmond Americaan, Cubs 35th round
I don’t know where that third “a” came from but I don’t dislike it.
11. Itamar Steiner, Cubs 40th round
10. Zach Mort, Cubs 8th round
STEVE HOLT! ZACH MORT!
9. Niels Stone, Cubs 27th round
8. Nico Hoerner, Cubs 1st round
Do we want to take bets how long it’ll be until “Horny for Hoerner” becomes a thing? Is that just me?
7. Jamie Galazin, Cubs 22nd round
The Amazin’ Galazin!
6. Jake Slaughter, Cubs 18th round
Slaughterin’ the competition since 2018.
5. Steele Walker, White Sox 2nd round
4. Konnor Pilkington, White Sox 3rd round
3. Layne Looney, Cubs 19th round
Just a wee lad from Liverpo- wait, he’s from Dallas? Huh.
2. Cannon King, White Sox 37th round
Cannon King doesn’t just have an amazing name, he’s also the son of longtime TV personality Larry King. The White Sox also drafted King’s other son, Chance, in a late round last year, so apparently this is something they like to do.
1. Gunnar Troutwine, White Sox 9th round
Gunnar. Troutwine. Trout. Wine. If he ever strikes out Mike Trout looking and the Angels outfielder gets upset, it’d be a “Trout whine about Troutwine” so… at least we have that to look forward to. Congrats to Mr. Troutwine on topping this list, which is surely the most important thing that’s happened to him this week. Great job by the writers of “Key & Peele” this year, too, can’t wait for next year.