TV viewers have to suffer through a Pat hand
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The thing is, it’s not healthy to root against people or teams. Heck, I didn’t even root against the British in the Revolutionary War. But Super Bowl Sunday is ruined by the New England Patriots — it’s like waking up Christmas morning with acne.
Alas, for the ninth time this century, the presence of the Patriots tainted my entire viewing experience, and, frankly, it affects my judgment.
Of course, we know who won; I can take this no longer. I should’ve gone to med school in the Solomon Islands and stayed there.
As usual, I took in all of Super Bowl Sunday and took copious notes:
1:08 p.m.: Evan Washburn, at the Patriots’ team hotel, says the lobby is jammed. What does he expect? Everyone is checking out.
1:56: Cedric the Entertainer drops in on the CBS pregame. He chooses not to entertain us.
2:15: Jim Rome appears to pick both the Rams and the Patriots — no wonder he revolutionized sports talk radio.
2:18: Jamie Erdahl talks to commissioner Roger Goodell. Her toughest question: “How has your [Super Bowl] experience been?”
3:41: Daisy steps out to watch the end of Puppy Bowl 15 on Animal Planet. #TeamRuff
3:53: I never would’ve put Ndamukong Suh and Warren Buffett together.
5:02: Peyton Manning-John Malkovich: Best Super Bowl opening ever.
5:07: I have now been “friends” with Jim Nantz since 1990.
5:15: Washburn asks Bill Belichick a question that is 13 times longer than his answer.
5:29: Martin Luther King Jr.’s daughter does the coin toss. Who knew the Mercedes-Benz Stadium was the promised land?
5:35: After all Tom Brady interceptions, I wait 30 seconds to see if there is a flag on the play.
5:44: Tony Romo uses “vertical” in a new way. At this point, I have no idea what “vertical” means.
5:45: Patriots get first what-a-load-of-hooey call in their favor from officials.
5:56: Stephen Gostkowski misses a 46-yard field goal attempt; I can’t believe a voodoo doll from 2,175 miles away actually works.
6:08: Brady gets sacked and fumbles. Can’t blame him; he hasn’t been touched since Sam Malone worked at “Cheers.”
6:08:30: I never expect Brady to be sacked — Patriots linemen hold on every play, and game officials listen to Bon Jovi on the commute in.
6:24: Anyone who thinks all of America stops to watch the Super Bowl, I invite you onto any L.A. freeway right now.
6:40: Make Advertising Great Again — most of these Super Bowl commercials are humdrum.
6:54: Patriots fail on fourth-and-one; this time I went with sorcery.
7:08: Maroon 5 performs at halftime. I protest — I miss Madonna.
7:12: New England fans travel well — they only throw up in their hotel rooms.
7:17: Jared Goff has that same lost look in his eye that I had at a 1973 Sadie Hawkins dance.
7:29: Toni asks if I want cacio e pepe or monkfish in lemon butter for dinner. I WANT THE PATRIOTS TO LOSE, woman.
7:31: Inexplicably, Julian Edelman appears to be uncovered. Similarly, the U.S. made the same mistake with Goldman Sachs in 2008.
7:42: This game is starting to remind me of the 2012 MLS Cup: Galaxy 3, Dynamo 1.
7:48: Jim Nantz, playfully, after Johnny Hekker’s 65-yard punt: “It’s going to get exciting now.” Promise?
7:53: Switching to ESPN2 briefly for a World Series of Poker rerun. The color commentator there doesn’t predict stuff like Romo, but he has a smooth-as-silk voice.
8:32: Oh, sure, like I need to see Gisele Bundchen celebrating a big Brady completion.
8:53: The Washington Post just ran a 45-second commercial spot. Newspapers are back, baby!
8:58: Gostkowski’s 41-yard field goal attempt barely is inside the left upright, clinching it for the Patriots with 1:12 left. I ran out of black magic.
8:58:15: If I were still in the Solomon Islands, I wouldn’t even have a TV.
8:58:30: I will never eat New England clam chowder again.