Two Bears, tackle Tayo Fabuluje and defensive end Ego Ferguson, were each suspended four games this week for violating the NFL’s policy on performance-enhancing drugs.
Fabuluje, a rookie, blamed his positive test on an over-the-counter supplement. That might be the God’s honest truth, but most athletes use the supplement excuse when they get busted for PED use. Here’s Fabuluje’s statement, which – I’m taking a wild stab here — was torn from an agent’s notebook:
“I was recently informed that I tested positive for an amphetamine after taking a supplement that did not list any banned substances on the label. As a result, I will be serving a four-game suspension.
“Although it was not intentional and I would never knowingly take a banned substance, I recognize that I am ultimately responsible as an NFL player for everything that goes in my body. I sincerely apologize to my teammates, the Chicago Bears organization and our fans, and can’t wait to come back and contribute to my team.”
Very nice. Just enough contrition to go with the personal responsibility.
Just once, though, I’d like to see a player who failed a drug test go off script. Something like this:
“Look, I’m not going to lie to you. If it will help me get bigger, stronger, faster and, most importantly, richer, I’m going to take it. I’m going to down it like Gatorade, pop it like breath mints and inject it like heroin – I mean, Vitamin B-12. I stack steroids the way Eskimos stack firewood in the winter. You think this Cro-Magnon forehead and jaw came from a protein shake? That’s called human growth hormone, my friend, and half the league is on it.
“Have you seen how many NFL players weigh 300 pounds or more now? Do you think that came from eating and lifting weights? If so, you need to be drug tested immediately for hallucinogens.
“You have to be stupid to be caught, which makes me an idiot. The science is so far ahead of the testing, it’s not funny. But I got sloppy. I got my Nandrolone cycle mixed up with my Stanozolol cycle, then used the wrong masking agent. Rookie mistake. The bad news: I got caught, I’m growing breasts and my testicles are the size of peanut M&Ms. The good news: The team knows I care!’’
That’s a statement that would finally make me pay attention. A guy can dream, can’t he?