I often daydream about Tom Brady.
Yes, I’m obsessed with TB12. Why wouldn’t I be? Who am I going to obsess over during this pandemic, Jay Cutler?
So The Greatest Quarterback Who Ever Lived finishes his unparalleled two decades as a Patriot and now decides to spend his next two NFL decades as a Buccaneer. He’s in Tampa for, oh, 15 minutes, and already . . .
• While working out in a park, he gets ejected because he is violating its coronavirus closure, but he receives an apology from Mayor Jane Castor.
• He tries to visit Buccaneers offensive coordinator Byron Leftwich’s house and mistakenly walks into his next-door neighbor’s home, then an NFL probe determines Brady did not violate the league’s offseason work rules.
• An auction to benefit coronavirus food needs nets an $800,000 bid for four tickets to Brady’s first Buccaneers home game, his jersey and cleats from that game and dinner with Titanic Tom.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Nothing bad ever happens to this guy. The sun shines on him nearly 24-7, and even when it rains, he walks between the drops.
What a 21st century for this guy — the tuck rule leads to his first Super Bowl title; he impregnates his girlfriend, a model, then before the birth of their first child, moves on to a supermodel; he has a season-ending knee injury in 2008, but hasn’t been touched on or off the field since; he overcomes Spygate and Deflategate for six championships total.
Meanwhile . . .
In one of the freakish oddities of my checkered life, Brady and I shared the same agent for 17 years — I am not making this up — and in that period of time, TB12 earned about $225 million in NFL contracts and I earned less than $50,000 in deals our rep brought to me. Essentially, we are a latter-day Henry and Tommie Aaron: Together, the brothers combined for 768 home runs; together, TB12 and I combined for almost $225.1 million in salary.
(Column Intermission: Speaking of Jay Cutler, the longtime Bears quarterback and Kristin Cavallari are getting a divorce. I guess she finally looked at his NFL stats.)
The fact of the matter is, in just about every walk of life, Brady outdistances Couch Slouch.
He played football, basketball and baseball in high school. I played Ping-Pong, pinball and hooky.
He graduated from Michigan with a general studies degree. I graduated from Maryland with an American studies degree. America is a big subject, but “general” is even bigger, no?
He was lightly regarded in his field coming out of college as a sixth-round pick. I have been lightly regarded in my field till this very day.
He has won three NFL MVP awards. I took first place in the 2005 U.S. Bowler Writing Competition in the “editorial” category.
He has played himself in “The Simpsons,” “Family Guy” and “Entourage.” I played myself in the 2005 ESPN drama “Tilt.” Note: 2005 was a BIG year for me.
He advocates drinking 1/32nd of one’s body weight in water each day. I buy Orange Crush by the keg.
He is friends with President Trump. I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000.
He favors Transcendental Meditation. I close my eyes when “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” comes on.
He launched his own line of vegan snacks. I eat Fritos and Bugles.
He is quarantining in Derek Jeter’s 30,000-square-foot home that he’s renting. I am quarantining in my 1,300-square-foot home that my bank owns.
He has had endorsement deals with Aston Martin, Beautyrest, Cadillac, Foot Locker, Glaceau Smartwater, IWC watches, Nike, Sam Adams, Tag Heuer watches, Ugg footwear, Under Armour, Upper Deck, Visa and Wheaties. I give unpaid plugs to Yuengling in this column.
His book, “The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance,” reached No. 1 on the New York Times’ best-seller list. My book, “Hold On, Honey, I’ll Take You to the Hospital at Halftime,” can occasionally be found at yard sales.
On the other hand, he has only been married once. I got him there.