Ladies and gentlemen, the State of the Union is awful. Things couldn’t be worse.
Yes, millions of ordinary people own big screen TVs, have computers in their homes and video cameras in their doorbells, but for most Americans life is miserable.
OPINION
I’m talking about people who have to choose between Netflix, Amazon Prime and HBO. The increasing cost of cable and premium services has made life unbearable. You know it. I know it.
Just a brief viewing of TV commercials reveals our nation is tormented by acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, constipation, erectile dysfunction and, of course, depression.
We are suffering from the traumatic distress of choosing between iPhone or Android, Verizon or T-Mobile and whether it is best to bundle or not to bundle.
Here with us for the State of the Union today is Jimmy, who has been struggling with such issues since he was in college two years ago. Jimmy, who has been forced to live with his parents due to the rising cost of cell phone and cable service. He can’t afford to work for less than $100,000 a year and therefore has refused to work at all.
Jimmy stand up. Jimmy, could you please stop playing that video game, put down the damn phone and stand up so people across the nation can feel sorry for you.
Of course, Jimmy, is not alone. There are millions of other Americans who find themselves suffering due to the excessive government taxation that we are all too familiar with in this country. Sally is one of those people. Sally take a bow. Sally used to be a cocaine addict but was forced to quit because taxes destroyed her ability to support her drug dealer, a co-worker, who helped finance a major drug smuggling operation down in Mexico.
Fortunately, Sally discovered her health insurance would pay for opioids and, with the support of her doctor and pharmacist, she has managed to cope with the sort of over taxation that has nearly destroyed this great country of ours.
Her husband Tom couldn’t be with us tonight because he, like many others, went to Las Vegas for Super Bowl weekend and has yet to return. But if Tom was here today, he would tell you that property taxes have forced him to cut back on his trips to riverboat casinos and reduced the amount he spends on video gambling by 50 percent in the past year.
Life has become intolerable in America.
There are poor children suffering in this country. Children living in neighborhoods where people are murdered each day. Youngsters who are homeless, neglected and abused by their parents.
If they could be here today, they would tell you they would like us to spend $5 billion on a border wall instead of safer neighborhoods and better schools, billions more on additional border guards and maybe $1 billion on drones to keep immigrants from flocking into this nation.
They would tell you they would feel safer if their teachers had guns, just like all the Glocks used by kids on neighborhood playgrounds.
And when it comes to playing, I am proud to say no nation in history has paid athletes more money, spent more on team merchandise, or on travel teams for their children.
Yet, we are miserable. Our athletes are miserable. Our children are stressed.
We are afraid of immigrants, terrorists, infectious diseases, immunizations, global warming and socialism.
Still, we remain optimistic. Although we are running out of money to fund Medicare and Social Security, we plan one day spend billions, maybe trillions of dollars on universal health care and free college tuition for all.
We are going to build more nukes, create an army of space rangers and provide free child care for working parents.
And we are going to lower taxes on everyone, while creating new incentives for business growth.
Only in America can billionaires consider running for president while telling the rest of us they cannot afford to pay additional taxes.
That is the State of the Union. Alexa, please send me a year’s supply of Xanax.
Send letters to: letters@suntimes.com.
