Bears hoping fans won't see the light with bunker suites at Soldier Field

We humans are dumb. This is one of those truths that has been proven so many times it is no longer necessary to subject it to rigorous scientific testing. But it’s nice to be reminded of it now and then, just for the therapeutic laughter.

The Bears are considering a plan to install bunker suites at ground level at Soldier Field, possibly in the end zones, according to the Sun-Times’ Fran Spielman. It sounds like a fine idea until you realize that ticketholders’ main views would be of the butts of massive players with their backs to the spectators. And if the Bears go the route the Cowboys have gone, with sideline bunker suites, it means those fans will be looking at the backs of Bears players watching the game and blocking their view.

That’s like going blindfolded to a movie so you can listen to the Dolby sound system.

Sounds goofy, right? Just watch the corporate big spenders line up to buy the suites, which cost as much as $140,000 a season in Seattle.

The Bears are simply copying a trend in the NFL. Some genius came up with the idea of getting people as close to the game as possible. I think the thought bubble went like this: “What if we charge people a huge amount of money not to watch a game? We’ll also give them access to an indoor patio with big screens when it finally dawns on them that they can’t see a damn thing!’’

The suites are selling well in several other stadiums.

“Bunker suites have become very popular in the NFL — not because they offer a great view of the game, but because they provide a unique and intimate view of the game and the players,’’ sports marketing consultant Marc Ganis told Spielman. “You have difficulty seeing the field because you’re too low. Field level doesn’t offer a height perspective to see. But you feel like you’re right in the action. You hear the pads clash and the players grunt. You can almost smell their sweat. Fans like that kind of intimate social setting, even if they can’t watch the game.”

And the emperor’s clothes? Stunning.