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Boris and Bullwinkle sort out America’s growing problems

While Attorney General Bar D. Door sees nothing suspicious, Mr. Big in the White House looks for an angle, and Rocky Squirrel flies in to save the day.

Rocky and Bullwinkle, about to be blown up, per the usual, by Boris and Natasha.
Sun-Times file image

Narrator: In our last episode Bullwinkle was protecting the super-secret Ferris Bueller Report that could topple the government.

Bullwinkle: “Ooops.”

Boris Badenov (watching as stacks of pages from the report are thrown into the air): “Quick Natasha, gather up papers.”

Natasha Fatale (applying lipstick to her mouth as her leg remains in the office aisle: “I am no longer member of proletariat. I voted Republican 10,704 times in Michigan in 2016.”

Boris: (Grabbing pages of documents and stuffing them inside his coat): “Ha, now we give incomplete secret document to top U.S. officials for TV news.”

Moose: “There’s page 7, 9, 12, 16, 33, and…”

Rocky Squirrel: “Hokey smokes Bullwinkle! What did you do?”

Narrator: And just then Attorney General Bar D. Door reveals the result of the report to the waiting nation.

Bar D. Door: “This report conclusively proves Russia had nothing to do with anything ever.”

Boris: “I am brilliant spy.”

Natasha: “Ha! He had original. We could have stayed home and hacked some more on our computers.”

Boris (shouting to news media): “Russia election interference is fake news! Invented by Moose and Squirrel.”

Narrator: In the meantime, somewhere in Pottsylvannia, Russia’s Fearless Leader was hatching a new terrifying plot with Agent X to endanger the world.

Fearless Leader: “The liquid in this vial will destroy America. Make sure it gets into the right hands.”

Narrator: And those hands belong to none other than that vilest of villains, Boris and Natasha.

Boris: “We must sneak this into drink of Mr. Big in White House.”

Natasha: “Impossible. Mr. Big is way too big.”

Narrator: As fate would have it, Bullwinkle J. Moose, after several appearances on Fox and Friends in the morning, has been appointed the president’s Big Science Moose Detective, or BSMD.

Rocky: “You don’t know anything about medicine.”

Bullwinkle: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if you don’t have health insurance you don’t need an apple.”

Narrator: And so one day a Moose, of all people, found himself standing next to Mr. Big as the news broke that a worldwide epidemic had erupted.

Moose: “Fortunately, this bottle of fluid was just handed to me that will kill 99.9 percent of all germs.”

Mr. Big: “Is this true?”

Moose: “It says so on the bottle and I saw it on Twitter. Also says right here it may cause nausea, internal bleeding, terrible gas and death in some people over the age of 65.”

Mr. Big: “It’s worth the risk.”

Moose: “It will also bring a high gloss sheen to your car’s tires if used according to the directions.”

Narrator: Fortunately, just at that moment our hero flew in to save the day.

Rocky: “Give me that bottle, Bullwinkle! You should never drink this stuff!”

Bullwinkle: “Maybe. But it prevents hair loss if applied daily to the scalp.”

Narrator: Having saved America from yet another crisis, Rocky set off for Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, where protests had erupted in the streets, creating the perfect distraction for even more dastardly deeds.

Boris: “We throw mail into wrong slots inside Post Office and all votes go to Fox News for counting.”

Natasha: “Am on cigarette break.”

Boris: “No time. Put on sandwich board sign and march for social justice outside.”

Natasha (marching outside wearing sign): “Defund the U.S. mail. No more letters, no more bills. Make America Great Again.”

Narrator: Can this mean the end of democracy as we know it? Is there no longer anyone who can tell right from wrong? Is satire closer to the truth than the news?

Bullwinkle: “Is this really the most important job in our country?”

Mr. Big: “You’re holding the flag. Nothing is more important than that. Now pull it out while I sink this putt.”

Email: philkadner@gmail.com

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