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Tom Brady apparel is hotter than ever

This shows us two things: no publicity is bad publicity when it comes to selling NFL jerseys. (We’ll exclude capital crimes and sexual assault for now.)

And beating the dragon in court is better than slaying it with an old-fashioned sword.

As evidence I give you eternal pretty boy quarterback Tom Brady, whose Patriots jersey is the best-selling jersey after two weeks of the NFL season.

This information is from the league’s own web site, so you know it’s for real. (Or deflated maybe just a teensy bit. Depending on temperature, needle, cell phone sturdiness, stealth of ball boys, etc.)

Just a few weeks ago it seemed Brady wouldn’t be playing the first four games of the season, due to the suspension for cheating handed down by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell over the Deflategate insanity.

But Brady got a judge to overturn the punishment, and the puff-chested Goodell was thrown into a dungeon under Gillette Stadium as retribution, where he languishes in irons. (Not really. But we have a fairy tale metaphor going here.)

Nor is it just NFL jerseys Brady rules.

ESPN’s Darren Rovell reports that since Under Armour started selling the black shirt worn by Brady in its recent commercial, the shirt with the number “199’’ on it, the position Brady was taken with in the 2000 NFL draft—it immediately sold out. The company is now taking pre-orders for its next batch. Hurry, children!

Next up, Brady sno-globes with miniature flat footballs within.

So Brady becomes a triumphant hero (he’s a patriot, remember?), wealthy beyond comprehension, with even more money from garment sales, the richest supermodel wife on the planet, a 2-0 team, an evil wizard (Bill Belichick) as protector and Goodell’s pelt on his mantel.

This, children, is how Middle Earth—excuse me, America—works.

Now say your prayers and go to sleep.