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Boris and Natasha come to life in the Adventures of Trump

Characters Boris and Natasha (on the right) in the old "Rocky & Bullwinkle" cartoon show.

Narrator: In our last episode, democracy itself was under attack as evidence mounted that Russian hackers had attempted to influence the American presidential election. Who could be behind this chicanery?

Boris J. Badenov: “I take leak and destroy Hillary Clinton.”

Natasha J. Fatale: “You mean you sent emails to WikiLeaks.”

Boris: “That’s what I said.”

OPINION

Narrator: As the new President took the oath of office, laughter could be heard echoing through the hallways of the Kremlin even as a new plot was being hatched by some of the most evil, sinister, all around bad people the world has ever known.

Boris: “Thank you. I try my best.”

Natasha: “What you doing now with cans and string?’

Boris: “Creating secret back channel to Moscow for new friend in White House.”

Natasha: “But that does nothing. It is just cans and string.”

Boris: “True. But friend too stupid to know this.”

Natasha: “Who is new friend?”

Boris: “New chief of Housekeeping Security. We refer to him only by code name … Moose.”

Natasha: “Can he be trusted?”

Boris: “We have photographs of Moose with Fearless Leader.”

Natasha: “Fake News.”

Boris: “Of course. But if we put on Facebook and Tweet makes no difference.”

Narrator: As Congress opens an investigation into Russia’s interference in America’s election, Bullwinkle J. Moose finds himself being ridiculed by none other than TV news host Wolf Blitzer.

Boris: “There is real person named Blitzer?”

Natasha: “First name Wolf. Must be cartoon character like Rocket J. Squirrel.”

Narrator: Speaking of our hero, where is the famous flying squirrel in America’s hour of need?

Boris: “Had him arrested at airport as illegal rodent and sent back to country of origin.”

Natasha: “No papers?”

Boris: “Only Washington Post.”

Natasha: “You spread rumors about flying squirrels wanting to take American jobs and rape women?”

Boris: “And sell BMWs for Germany. Time to end NATO.”

Narrator: Back in Washington, D.C., the head of the House Intelligence Committee is holding a news conference to reveal some startling information.

Congressman Dewey Cheatum: “After being called to National Housekeeping headquarters, I met with highly placed agents who showed me security tapes of former President Barack Obama planting bugs under the desk of Donald Trump.”

Boris (wearing a hat with a press card stuck in its brim): “Who is source of despicable lies?”

Congressman: “That’s a national security secret, but it may have been Housekeeping Director in Chief Bullwinkle J. Moose.”

Narrator: As an epidemic of stupidity swept the nation, many of the country’s political leaders turned into complete morons.

President: “Losers. Losers. Losers. Terrorists are all losers. Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.”

Narrator: And as North Korea launched missile test after missile test, the official response was even more baffling.

Defense Secretary: “We dare North Korean to shoot off another missile.”

“We double-dare them.”

“We triple-dog-dare those really bad dudes to do that again.”

Narrator: It soon became evident that evil forces, very bad dudes indeed, had unleashed a secret weapon.

Boris: “Goof Gas. One spritz and brains turn to mush.”

Narrator: Yes, the entire country seems to have become incredibly stupid.

Is this the end of civilization as we know it? Have the enemies of freedom succeeded in turning America against itself?

Natasha: “Boris, we get invitation to White House. President says he fired nut job FBI director and wants us to be friends.”

Boris: “Terrific. I have plan to sell him slightly used Berlin Wall.”

Narrator: Tune in next week for “Tweet This,” or “Only the Wayback Machine can help us now.”

Email: philkadner@gmail.com