With each passing week, the architects of the E! reality show “Very Cavallari” seem less and less concerned with the “reality” part of the equation — and that’s why they’re so good at what they do, because come on:
We’re not here for the gritty, documentary-style authenticity.
If anything, the obviously staged scenes between Kristin Cavallari and hubby Jay Cutler; the eyebrow-raising continuity issues, and the hilariously contradictory vignettes when multiple camera operators are in place to record “spontaneous, private” moments between two people just getting to know one another — that’s the stuff that amps up the camp-entertainment level.
The opening scene of Episode Four features Jay — still identified as “Kristin’s Husband” — in the kitchen of their Nashville mansion with Kristin as she makes lunch.
Jay shows Kristin a picture of a John Deere tractor on his iPad and says, “What do you think about this one?”
“I don’t care about a tractor,” replies Kristin in her vocal-fry, Cali-girl voice. “Why are you getting a tractor?”
“Well, we need one,” says Jay.
J-Cut: “We’re mooooooving!”
K-Cav: “They accepted the offer? That’s exciting!”
They’re talking about a farmhouse in the country, about 45 minutes outside of Nashville, with room for chickens and goats.
(Previously on “Very Cavallari,” Jay had lobbied Kristin for them to sell their mansion and move to this new place. Meanwhile, the real-world media reported they had listed the Nashville place for nearly $8 million.)
Cut to K-Cav in a sparkly, plunging blazer, in front of a green screen, saying: “I almost can’t believe it. I’m so excited but I’m also like, ‘Holy —-, this is actually happening.’”
Based on the “acting” in that kitchen scene, I’d be shocked to learn this scene on the E! show was actually the moment Kristin learned their bid on the new home had been accepted — especially when she reacts not by hugging Jay, not by talking about how this will affect their three children, but by saying, “Now we have to learn about raising chickens. Kristin goes country…” and by telling Jay the sad little fish tank in the background, with only one surviving fishie, will not be a part of the move.
“Fish tank is a hundred percent coming,” says Jay.
In this opening scene, Cutler is clean-shaven. But later in the episode, when J-Cut makes a “surprise” appearance at Kristin’s brick-and-mortar store, Uncommon James, as she’s interviewing candidates for retail positions, he’s sporting a full, bushy beard.
Has a month passed by? The timeline of the episode makes it feel as if it’s been just a couple of days. Maybe Jay, who was born in Santa Claus, Indiana, has a magic beard!
As always “Very Cavallari” features numerous running subplots. Episode Four’s most salacious storyline is about Kristin’s best friend, Kelly, who is finally getting an in-person visit from “The Canadian,” a guy from, well, Canada, whom we’ve heard about in previous episodes. They’ve grown close via text, but prior to this visit, they’ve spent all of 10 minutes together in person.
On the eve of The Canadian’s visit, Kristin asks Kelly if she thinks he’s circumcised, and asks: “Do Canadians do that?”
When we finally meet the Canadian, we immediately think Scott Caan in full jerk mode could play him in a movie. I don’t know what the deal is with this guy, but of course he knows exactly what he’s getting into when he shows up for a weekend with Kristin Cavallari’s best friend, and there are cameras rolling as they share those first, tentative, private hours together, ahem.
(We reach a new level of ridiculousness when the cameras are hovering over the bed when Kelly and the Canadian wake up after their first night together.)
In another (and uninspired) subplot on this week’s episode, K-Cav must decide if she’ll hire Taylor, best friend of social media director Shannon, for a retail job at the store.
After a long day for Kristin, during which she deals with that issue and other dramas, we cut to a shot of her and Jay at home, with Jay lounging on the sofa in sweats and a gray hoodie and slip-on shoes.
Kristin: “Are you ready for my day?”
Kristin pushes forward, updating Jay about the workplace conflicts among her employees.
Jay: “Just cut somebody’s head off.”
Boom. Whether bearded or clean-cut, Jay’s got that “Game of Thrones” mindset.