The Cutler did it.
No offense to Kristin Cavallari, but the reason I got stoked about checking out the E! series “Very Cavallari” in advance of Sunday’s premiere was the presence of Cavallari’s husband Jay Cutler.
Smokin’ Jay! Arguably the most gifted AND most polarizing quarterback in the history of the Chicago Bears. The guy who could thrill you with his laser-beam arm — and drive you crazy with bad decisions and a sideline/press conference demeanor best summed up in two words:
Cutler spent eight seasons with the Bears, leaving town as an enigma who set more than a dozen franchise records but led the team to exactly one playoff berth.
Now apparently retired, Cutler lives with Cavallari and their three children in Nashville (Jay played college ball at Vanderbilt and has long wanted to raise a family there), where Kristin is working hard on her Uncommon James brand, and Jay …
Well, Jay’s just hanging out.
Cavallari, 31, made a name for herself on the popular shows “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills” — and, after a seven-year hiatus, she returns to “reality” TV with “Very Cavallari,” a slick, sharply edited, sometimes fantastically contrived-looking chronicle of K-Cav’s attempts to juggle marriage, motherhood and career. (To Cavallari’s credit, she won’t put her three young children on camera.)
In Episode One, Kristin is in the kitchen when Jay lumbers in, carrying a cooler filled with elk meat and outfitted like an 18-year-old freshman. (That’s Cutler’s go-to look: unshaven, in shorts or jeans and sweatshirt and a vest, sporting stocking hat or baseball cap. The 35-year-old as perpetual frat boy.)
Kristin says she’s going to work. Jay says he’s gonna pick up the kids at school that afternoon, and that’s it for his day.
“Honestly, what do you do all day?” says Kristin.
“I like to keep myself free all day [in case] something does pop up,” says Jay with a smirk.
“So you’re 100 percent done with football?”
Jay says probably. Maybe. He’ll know in September for sure.
Kristin talks of all the sacrifices she’s made for Jay over the last eight years. Now, it’s time for him to reciprocate.
“So now you need to support what I have going on,” says Kristin. “This is MY football.”
Later, when Kristin asks Jay if he has a plan for life after football, he says, “I’m not really looking to do a lot of work right now. I’m looking to do the opposite of that.”
With the help of her friends — all gorgeous, all consumed with the cult of self-promotion — Kristin is launching a store to sell her Uncommon James line of jewelry and home goods. Until the store and the office are ready, the women are working out of the Cavallari-Cutler’s enormous Nashville-area home.
“So, uh, when are these chicks coming over?” says Jay.
When they arrive, he barely looks up, and K-Cav chides him for not saying hello.
He snidely replies, “I give more ‘byes’ than ‘hi’s.’ ”
What a guy!
The show’s cast is stocked with irresistibly watchable attention-grabbers who gravitate to the camera like bugs to a zapper:
• Shannon, the social mediator for Uncommon James, is cast as the villain, at least in the first two episodes. She’s an eye-rolling, trash-talking, gossipy troublemaker.
• Brittainy is the no-nonsense head of operations at Uncommon James. (Shannon, after Brittainy shows up at an event: “Even Butt-Hurt Brittainy is here! I see a smile on her face, which means she removed the stick out of her a–, which is really impressive.”
• Kelly is Kristin’s best friend, who (according to her E! bio) runs “the highly successful lifestyle blog ‘Velvet’s Edge.’ ”
• Reagan is a young assistant who cheerfully describes herself as “the blonde with the big t—.”
• Taylor, Shannon’s best friend, models for Uncommon James.
Although they’re from different parts of the country, nearly all of the women, including Kristin, speak in that distinctive “vocal-fry” tone so prevalent on shows such as “The Bachelor.”
Meanwhile, Jay lurks on the sidelines, making wisecracks and acting uninterested.
“I call Jay ‘Les Miz,’ ” Kristin says before launching into a not-bad imitation of Mopey Jay.
Kristin says Jay’s main hobby is watching a “deer-cam … live feeds of deer eating. They’re not even on our property.” Jay even names the deer as he watches them on his iPad.
I wonder how Jay will feel about the way he’s portrayed on the show.
My guess is: “Don’t care!”
• See if he cares: Jay Cutler mopes along on Kristin Cavallari reality show
• What he does all day, blessedly, is nothing: A defense of Jay Cutler the Slacker
• Jay Cutler a star once more as the dressed-down, deadpan wag of ‘Very Cavallari’
• Kristin Cavallari to Jay Cutler: ‘What do you do all day?’