Kevin Allen shares his bracket predictions with the universe

Several people have e-mailed this morning begging me to share my brackets with the world. I have obliged with the above screen grab. You’re welcome, world. As you can see, I am allowing Michigan State (of which Kyle is an alum), Missouri (of which I am an alum), Pitt (of which Dave Wannstedt’s mustache is an alum) and Oklahoma (of which is a school in Oklahoma) to reach the Final Four. To them, I say you’re welcome. And let me congratulate the University of Pittsburgh, who undoubtedly wins the 2009 NCAA championship.

What’s that, you say? The games have yet to be played?

Let me make a few things clear about my brackets.

1. My brackets are the rubric by which invading aliens will one day surmise everything they need to know about the human race.

2. My Sweet 16 picks alone have the power to solve the Illinois budget crisis.

3. My brackets are 47 percent more accurate than whatever will actually happen in the NCAA tournament.

4. When I completed my bracket predictions on Yahoo! it broke the Internet for a solid four minutes.

5. My brackets have won the 2009 and 2010 Pulitzer prizes for excellence in literature and accurate future predicting.

So question me if you will, dear reader. But know this: To question my brackets is to question the very existence of absolute truth. And without absolute truth, could we have ever really existed in the first place?