You want the skinny on Schwarber, Cubs and White Sox? Lucky you: I have answers

MIAMI — And in Sister Jean news … wait, what? Baseball is back?

Opening Day didn’t sneak up on us, not after a spring training that seemed to last as long as the two world wars combined. But Loyola has dominated Chicago’s attention the last three weeks, reducing Cubs and White Sox reports to a relative whisper. So let’s say it loudly:

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Play ball!

Both teams have their openers Thursday, the Cubs at the Marlins and the Sox against the Royals in Kansas City. This is one of the best days of the year because it rewards all the patience needed to get through the long offseason. There are only so many times a Sox fan can go over his or her hypothetical 2020 World Series lineup, just as there are only so many times a Cubs fan can look at a slimmed-down Kyle Schwarber and say, “Dramatic weight loss – what does that have to do with hitting a baseball?’’The Sox are still rebuilding, though the beams are up and starting to look like an actual structure. The Cubs are aiming for a second World Series title in three seasons.

I have questions, which is convenient because I also have answers. Let’s start with the Cubs:

What can we expect from Schwarber?

He says he’s in the best shape of his life. If that translates into a better batting average than he had last season (.211), you’ll see lots of ballplayers suddenly eating more fish. If he doesn’t, there will be a run on Cheetos. The truth is that we still don’t know if the real Schwarber is the one who played so well his rookie season or the one who hit bottom last season. This will be one of the most interesting stories in baseball.

Is Ian Happ the answer at the leadoff spot?

He hit .327 and had seven home runs in spring training. If he can do anything remotely close to that during the season, Cubs fans will cry tears of joy. It might – might — mean less Joe Maddon lineup meddling.

Will Schwarber ever hit leadoff again?

Oh, great, I had to bring this up. The short answer is no. The long answer is no, please, no.

Is Kris Bryant poised for a bounce-back year?

Crazy question, right? In his first two years, he won the National League Rookie of the Year award, the NL MVP award and a World Series. Not bad, kid. But he did drop off last season. His home runs fell from 39 in 2016 to 29 last season, and his RBI dropped from 102 to 73. But fret not, you fretters. He’s too talented to remain merely a good hitter.

Can the Cubs make Yu Darvish better?

That was the subtext when the Cubs signed him in the offseason. Is there something unique about the organization that will help him be even better than he has been? The Cubs would like to think so, and they would point to the development of Jake Arrieta and Kyle Hendricks as evidence. But Darvish is 31. What do you do with an ace who says he has 11 different pitches? Maybe you leave him alone.

Will the Cubs miss Arrieta?

No one wants to fall into the shinier-is-better trap. But Arrieta did drop off last season. His velocity and his control were nowhere near what they were when he won a Cy Young in 2015. Yet, if Darvish struggles and Arrieta reverts to old Jake in Philadelphia, the Cubs can expect some major-league grumbling in Chicago.

What can the Cubs expect from Jon Lester?

As many innings as they’ll give him. After that, your guess is as good as mine. I’ve expected a big dip from him for two seasons, and although there was some, it wasn’t precipitous. He’s 34. Is this the year the drop arrives?

How far will the Cubs go this season?

To the World Series, where they will lose in seven games to the Astros. If that upsets you, know that my NCAA brackets are a disaster.

And now to the White Sox:

Can Avisail Garcia come anywhere close to what he did last season, when he hit .330?

Probably not. He had an excellent year but got the most out of grounders that became singles. But he’s talented enough to be major trade bait or part of the Sox’ future, whichever the team chooses.

Will Yoan Moncada make big strides this season?

Yes. He had a nice taste last season, hitting .231 in 54 games. Time for him to give fans something more. He’ll be the first barometer of the team’s youth movement.

Will Rick Renteria be allowed to manage the Sox if and when the rebuild starts transitioning to winning?

They wouldn’t do to him what the Cubs did to him, would they? Can you imagine? His autobiography would be titled, “The Book of Job.’’

When will we see Michael Kopech?

Not anytime soon. The Sox don’t need to rush the hard-throwing right-hander because – and this can’t be overstated – what would be the point? They aren’t going anywhere this season. When he’s ready, he’s ready. When will that be? Boy, you’re a nuisance with all the questions. I’ll say August.

Do you think people are too optimistic about new Bears coach Matt Nagy?

Only if you think 16-0 in 2018 is overly optimistic.

How far the Sox fare this season?

Look, Opening Day starter James Shields’ combined earned-run average for the Sox the past two seasons was 5.99. OK? Your future is Moncada, Kopech, Eloy Jimenez, Luis Robert, Alec Hansen, Dane Dunning, et al. The record doesn’t matter as much as the excitement level does. But, all right, if you insist: 75-87.

What was the best quote of spring training for the Sox?

“Our goal is to make the playoffs and get to the promised land,’’ Shields said.

One more question: What’s in Shields’ Gatorade?

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