In a special holiday edition of ‘Take 2,’ Patrick Finley of the Chicago Sun-Times and Kevin Fishbain of Pro Football Weekly give out gifts to members of the Bears family:
Fishbain: Let’s get in the Christmas spirit, Patrick, and give out some gifts to members of the 3-11 Bears. We can’t get anyone a playoff appearance, let alone a Super Bowl, but maybe we can get them some gifts for the future. Like GM Ryan Pace, for example. Could there be a better gift for Pace than a long-term quarterback? Maybe he walks out to his driveway on Christmas morning and sees Jimmy Garoppolo there with a giant bow like those car commercials?
Finley: I’d ask Lake Forest College to invite John Fox to be their graduation speaker and hand him a scroll afterward. That way he can no longer claim he’s not a doctor when asked about injuries. Rather, he’d have to couch it – “My doctoral degree is in Letters, and it’s merely honorary.” Maybe this would be a good gift, Kev – a whole mess of ace bandages with a nice card that says we hope they won’t have to use them as much next season.
Fishbain: A healthy roster would be quite the gift for Fox, and it would save him from having to tell us that everyone is day-to-day. If there truly is any rift between Fox and defensive coordinator Vic Fangio, we should set them up as each other’s Secret Santa. Or just get them a friendship bracelet. Is there a way to gift-wrap more takeaways for Fangio? Maybe get him a ball-hawking safety?
Finley: How about a ball-hawking safety and another who can tackle? The Bears made Ty Montgomery look like Barry Sanders on Sunday. I understand the lack of turnovers – the healthy members of the Bears’ defensive backfield aren’t particularly skilled – but tackling is a basic, effort-driven task. There’s no excuse for those mistakes. Linebacker Jerrell Freeman’s return against Washington will help in that regard. Speaking of which – should the Bears get their players a better drug-screening app, or a Whizzinator, perhaps?
Fishbain: There’s a good gift for anyone in Bears management: someone who will monitor all supplements that players purchase to avoid any further suspensions. What would you get the McCaskey family, Patrick? They haven’t seen their team make the playoffs since 2010. How expensive are time machines? Asking for a friend who thinks they have some hires in the 2012-13 range that could be reconsidered.
Finley: Bruce Arians has won exactly one more playoff game than the Bears have since he got the Cardinals job. He was 12-2 at this time last year, went 2-2 the rest of the way – including a 34-point loss in Carolina in the NFC title game – and has led the Cardinals to only two more wins than the Bears this year. Is he still the one that got away? Sure. But Bears fans aren’t drooling the way they were last Christmas. As for what to get the McCaskeys: A Brinks truck to take to Alshon Jeffery’s house?
Fishbain: Or do Pace and Fox instruct the McCaskeys to get Jeffery a parting gift? Maybe one of those airplane pillows to use on his flights for a free-agent tour? Patrick, do you think the Bears’ head coach will get us beat writers anything for the holidays?
Finley: Two words, Kev: Hot dogs.