Dear Abby: Man in poor health refuses help from his wife of 40 years

DEAR ABBY: I married my husband 40 years ago. A few years later, he was diagnosed with diabetes. He refused to take care of himself and ended up with double leg amputations 13 years ago. He had prosthetics but wouldn’t use them. I stood by him and was his advocate, but he blamed me!

He has major health issues now, but I’m not too concerned. According to him, it’s “none of my business.” Family doesn’t care because he doesn’t care. My daughter blames me, but she doesn’t bother to have much contact with her father.

I have had enough of trying to help a man who doesn’t want help. This is a loveless marriage and has been for years. He’s also addicted to computer porn. He stays at a computer for hours, even when people are around. He doesn’t care who’s around. He broke his computer recently, and I have refused to allow him on mine, so he is angry at me for that too.

For most of our marriage I have worked outside the home. I still do. I would rather be out of the house than here with a husband who doesn’t care if I’m around or not. Please advise me what I can do. — REACHED THE LIMIT

DEAR REACHED: What you can do depends upon what you WANT to do. There must be a reason why you have remained in this loveless marriage as long as you have.

Since you asked, I do have a word of advice. Help your husband to get another computer. If you do, it may lessen some of the hostility that is ruling your household. He will be occupied, and you can do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are dealing with a terminal health condition, and many folks have offered to help, particularly in the area of providing meals, which we really appreciate. Recently, a family from our church brought us over a meal that included a nice entree, dessert, bread and breakfast pastries, all homemade. We enjoyed the entree, but quickly lost our appetites after opening the dessert to find a hair of unknown origin in it. We were, unfortunately, unable to enjoy the rest of the food because of this.

My dilemma is how to handle this with the family. I’m sure we will see them at church, and they have already reached out asking when they can bring us another meal. I don’t want to embarrass anyone, but neither do I think I can consume another one from them.

For what it’s worth, we have someone who comes in weekly who prepares meals for us (whom we pay). This has been a huge help because it alleviates the time and effort required to shop, cook and clean up for most of the work week because I work full time as well as care for my husband. How can I tactfully decline this family’s kind offers without coming right out and saying why we don’t want their food? — GROSSED OUT IN THE WEST

DEAR GROSSED OUT: It should not embarrass those nice people if you thank them for offering to send you more food, and tell them you no longer need food because you have hired someone who comes in and cooks for you. It’s short, sweet and it’s the truth.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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