Dear Abby: I asked granddaughter if she’s gay, and now she won’t speak to me

Grandma wanted to warn the college-age woman about being recruited into a same-sex relationship

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DEAR ABBY: My college-aged granddaughter is no longer speaking to me, answering my phone calls or allowing her other grandmother (who raised her) to post anything on Facebook where I can see what she is doing.

My granddaughter came to live with me last summer because she worked a summer job here. I asked her if she was gay, not because I think she is but as a prelude to a conversation about not allowing other girls to recruit her into a same-sex relationship as I saw in college and while teaching public school. Although I tried to explain, things have grown progressively worse.

My son and her mother married when she was 7 and divorced when she was 13. Over the years, I worked hard to develop and maintain a relationship with her. Now, she has told the other grandmother that she will never speak to me again. Was what I did so bad, and what should I do now? — OTHER GRANDMOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR OTHER: What you said wasn’t “bad,” but it was misinformed and heavy-handed. While same-sex relationships do happen in high school and college, young people don’t usually indulge unless they are already at least bi-curious. Even then, straight people don’t suddenly “turn gay.”

Your granddaughter may still be trying to figure out her sexual orientation, which could be why she has reacted so strongly. If you are wise, you will allow her the time she needs to sort it out, rather than push or panic.

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old son has been dating a girl for two or three months. She seems very nice. She has two children and is pregnant with her third child. She’s due in three months. The child is not my son’s.

I was told by some friends of my son that he’s planning to sign the birth certificate as the father. He understands the implications. How do I convince him that, although he feels like he and this girl will be together for the long haul, this is a poor decision to make, especially because of the short length of time they have been dating? — TOO MUCH, TOO SOON

DEAR TOO MUCH, TOO SOON: Although it can be difficult to convince someone in the throes of new love, you and your son’s friends should urge him to discuss this with a lawyer before signing ANYTHING. He needs input from someone who is not emotionally involved and can explain the legal ramifications of what he’s considering.

Not all romances have storybook endings, but if this relationship leads to marriage in the future, he can always adopt or provide financially for the child if he wishes. I sincerely hope you and the others who care about him can get through to your son.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. But I am very upset because she listens in on the speaker phone to every conversation I have with my 11-year-old grandson. I really believe we should have privacy, and I think it’s strange that she does this. Is she justified, since she knows I’m disturbed by speakerphones in general? — CONCERNED NANA IN THE EAST

DEAR CONCERNED: You wrote that you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter. Have you asked her why she feels monitoring your calls to your grandson is justified? From my perspective, her behavior may be hypervigilant, but whether it is justified isn’t a question that someone who isn’t familiar with your family dynamics can answer.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order “How to Be Popular.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

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