Dear Abby: The friend I’m attracted to is sending me mixed signals

Reader really wants to make out with this girl, who resists a relationship but initiates lots of hugs and snuggles.

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DEAR ABBY: I’m a lesbian. There’s a girl I have liked for a little over a month. We are like best friends. When I told her I was attracted to her, she basically friend-zoned me, which hurt. Then she told a mutual friend she was considering being “friends with benefits” with me, and I got excited. Well, she changed her mind again because she was afraid it would be awkward.

I still have a crush on her, but I value our friendship. We spend so much time together, and things are easy but also challenging because I just want to grab her and kiss her. We snuggle all the time, and she gives me hugs every day (we live in the same dormitory). I want to make out with her. These mixed signals are killing me. What do I do?


DEAR DAZED: You’re right. This young woman is giving you mixed signals. That’s why you should put her firmly in YOUR friend zone. Stop the hugging and snuggling and move on, so you can find someone who reciprocates your feelings. (Absence has been known to make the heart grow fonder.) Perhaps when she realizes that you are capable of moving on, her feelings for you will change. However, if they don’t, you will have lost nothing but more heartache.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, my dear mother-in-law passed away. While writing her obituary, it was a challenge to hunt down accurate dates and family information. Many family members chimed in with conflicting information. To prevent this confusion in the future, would it be tactless to ask relatives for some of this information ahead of time? If so, how would you go about writing something on this topic without offending someone? — WONDERING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WONDERING: What you have in mind is practical. If you have a relationship with these relatives, why not bring some of these questions up in normal conversation? (I assume you know where they were born.) To ask when people graduated from high school or college isn’t intrusive. What year someone was married isn’t classified information either. If you simply start talking, you may find out much of the information you are after.

P.S. If your relatives are willing to make the effort to write down their own stories, it could be compiled into a precious family history.

DEAR ABBY: Our family just got back from a perfect vacation, which included, in addition to my husband and me, my three adult sons, their wives, two grandchildren and my mom. My husband and I paid to rent a house, and we all chipped in for food.

When we returned, my sister called and said she was jealous, and she wants to be included next time. I love my sister, but that would very much change the dynamics of our vacation. Is it selfish to not want to include her? Is there anything I can say or do to ease the hurt? Due to COVID, we are no longer hosting holidays or other celebrations as we normally do. — BIG FAMILY UP NORTH

DEAR BIG FAMILY: Your sister has a right to her feelings. However, that does not obligate you to change your family vacation plans to suit her. Because you appear to have trouble saying no, tell her you will think about it, which is true and doesn’t obligate you.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable — and most frequently requested — poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

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