Dear Abby: Should my ex and I get together for outings with our child?
The mom would like the trio to go to the park or zoo to show the boy everyone gets along, but Dad thinks that would give a false impression.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-fiance decided to leave our relationship and our 10-month-old son, “Nicky,” about a month ago. He sees Nicky regularly and is a good father. I know our relationship is over and that it’s not going to be fixed. To be honest, when he left, I was relieved.
The other day, I suggested to my ex that maybe once a month we take our son out together to do something, like go to the park or the zoo. My reasoning is that Nicky needs to know that even though his mom and dad are no longer together, we can still get along. His response was he didn’t think it was a good idea. He doesn’t want our son to get the wrong impression. I just said “OK” and left it alone.
Is he right? Would it confuse our son, or is he being selfish? It seems unrealistic to me that we will never do anything together. My son is my No. 1 priority, and I just want to handle it the best that I can for him. Please help me. — CONFUSED IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.
DEAR CONFUSED: Your ex may have said what he did because he doesn’t understand that you have accepted that the romance is really over. Don’t accuse him of being selfish. Be patient. In the future, Nicky will understand that, although Mom and Dad are not together, they get along, if you truly DO get along. As Nicky grows older, there will be events such as birthdays, sporting events, graduations, etc., you will probably wind up enjoying together — or eventually with significant others or spouses included.
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old granddaughter has lived for the past several years in an environment with adults who have done drugs, can’t or won’t keep a job and are in and out of jail. I want her to have a better life, and I try to explain what a responsible adult life looks like. But when I do, she accuses me of being judgmental and nonaccepting because these people are “nice.” How can I get her to understand that the lifestyle she’s exposed to isn’t good without coming off as judgmental? — AT A LOSS FOR WORDS
DEAR AT A LOSS: The lessons we teach others don’t always have to be verbal. One way would be to expose your granddaughter — as often as possible — to people who have chosen a different way of life and are reaping the rewards for it. Perhaps then she will begin to draw her own conclusions and realize that she can have a different life if she’s willing to work toward it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old dancer, and I recently had a recital. The mothers came backstage to help their children change in the dressing rooms.
A girl my age who has two lesbian mothers was near me while I changed. It made me feel self-conscious. I’m normally not like this, but it felt awkward, to say the least. I’m not against same-sex couples, but it felt weird. Am I overreacting? — MIDWEST DANCER
DEAR MIDWEST DANCER: I think so. Those two mothers were more interested in what was going on with their daughter than with you. If you plan to become a professional dancer — or part of any branch of the performing arts — you will be changing costumes under all kinds of conditions. This means you will be around straight males and females, gay people of both genders and, occasionally, trans people. It’s a fact of life because separate dressing rooms may not be available.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)