Dear Ismael,
I just read the column about the 85-year-old woman who was seeking dating alternatives to online dating apps. And I thought to myself, “Wow. It seems dating apps are just not an option really at any age.” I am 29 and find dating apps to be ghastly. Mostly because, in my experience, most people on there are actually not looking for meaningful connections, or to engage in the fun but also “work” of getting to know someone and cultivating a relationship.
Rather, it’s people seeking recreational sex, and that is great and dandy, but I would like something more out of someone, and I don’t love the idea of being superficially judged just off a few pictures. What advice do you have for people who are looking to date but don’t like dating apps and don’t spend time at bars?
— Alternatives in Uptown
Dear Alternatives,
I don’t blame you for not frequenting bars. With the loud music and rowdy crowds, it does feel like a quick and superficial glance is all that determines whether someone makes a move on you.
Plus, going out two or three times a week in hopes of meeting someone can be expensive. Last time I went out, I couldn’t focus on any other singles because I was too preoccupied thinking, “Did I really just spend $60 — plus tip — on a round of shots? That’s like three cheap tequila bottles.”
And the night was just getting started.
The good news is that you don’t need bars to find people to date. You just need to find good social atmospheres that fit your personality.
It could be an activity with a group of people you see consistently for a couple of months. Like signing up for a pottery class or a cooking class. If you play an instrument or can carry a tune, join a community band or a choir. Or volunteer, if you want some extra good karma.
If you’re into a faster pace, look for an activity that has a rotating door with new people you can meet every week. That could be a running group, a volleyball league or going to video game events. Whatever your interests are, the more human interaction and variety in people, the better.
If your forehead just wrinkled with doubt while reading my suggestions, hear me out.
These are passion-filled activities where people root for each other, where you can find people in your age range and lots of opportunities for conversation starters. I suggest you make a plan to check out something new — whether you’re good at it, or just curious — every few months until you find your place.
A space where you can attract attention because you’re an expert or maybe catch the attention of a potential partner who loves a damsel in distress. Or just pretend to be bad at something for attention. I won’t judge.
It’s a good way to create those meaningful connections you were talking about.
Here’s a warning, though. At bars, the social cues are more clear when someone is single and open for romance or sex. If you’re at a book club or bowling alley, those cues aren’t as obvious, and you’ll have to ask your bestie, “Does this text look like they’re into me?”
If you want a more authentic experience than a dating app, it can’t get more real than that.
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