‘Barbie’ haters remind me of my big Hollywood pet peeve: Anti-Kens

Since reading about “Barbie’s” hot-pink arrows deflating a few male egos with its abrasive-as-a-pillow-fight takedown of the patriarchy, I think it’s time I unload my pettiest grievance against Hollywood.

My most serious critique of films in general centers on the lazy objectification and stereotypical portrayals of women, and the lack of screen time and substantive dialogue given to female actors, particularly to women of color.

But if I’m going to lower myself to the level of the blowhard bros offended by the mansplaining, Matchbox Twenty-serenading “Kens,” I guess I should stick to the most superficial beef I have with directors who are not Greta Gerwig: The pairing of schlubby, awkwardly dorky men with conventionally attractive women.

Physical features aren’t everything and beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, we are constantly told. But on the silver screen, those feel-good mantras only manifest in the bodies of mostly straight white men. Women of all racial and ethnic backgrounds, and Black, Latino, Asian and indigenous men, are rarely granted the same leeway with their appearance if they want to play the romantic lead.

So even though most heterosexual couples in pop culture resemble some version of “Barbie and Ken,” there are plenty of instances in TV and film where men who could double as the Pillsbury doughboy or “Where’s Waldo?” are playing opposite women who could walk the runway at New York Fashion Week.

When women do take on the role of a nerd, or someone who is supposed to be a “plain Jane,” let’s be real — the actress is far from ugly, just fitted with oversized glasses and baggy clothes. No one is shocked when these fictional characters undergo a prerequisite make-over — usually to impress the male protagonist — and it’s revealed they are actually pretty stunning.

Frumpy and dweeby guys, meanwhile, never undergo a glow-up in the movies, yet they tend to get the “girl” anyway.

Translation: Women must adhere to strict beauty standards to be accepted, while men can be “chick magnets” no matter how mediocre their appearance. Look at Woody Allen: He practically invented this sexist trope.

I have always said Allen’s films would never have been as wildly popular if he paired himself with a woman who looked similar to him, or gave off the same creepy energy.

Hollywood’s sexist ‘attractiveness gap’

Like the “Kens” in the “Barbie” movie, Allen hypnotized enough of the American public long enough that he was able to fine-tune and normalize the cinematic rules of the so-called “attractiveness gap,” along with some of his highly problematic storylines that never went challenged until the recent #MeToo movement opened his fans’ eyes.

Sexual assault allegations have since tarnished Allen’s stature. No matter. TV sitcom husbands Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill have grabbed the torch to play the cuddlier, modern-day version of men who keep dating and marrying women way out of their leagues.

Rogen and Hill are talented, and I will concede that there could be some women, somewhere, who find them appealing beyond their ability to make audiences laugh. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose. Still, I did feel seen after the interracial, interfaith romantic comedy “You People” was released on Netflix earlier this year, prompting the Twitterverse to question the chances of someone like Hill actually ending up with Lauren London, the actress who plays his love interest.

It can happen. Men who aren’t the spitting image of a traditionally handsome movie star can be wonderful people. But women who don’t look like starlets can shine too. Too many Hollywood types just don’t want to sell the latter, which makes sense when most of the people standing behind the camera don’t have ovaries and are encapsulating their worldview for the rest of us to consume.

“Barbie” has been widely embraced and has hit a nerve for playfully calling out gender inequities and the unreasonable expectations placed on women.

Piers Morgan was so incensed by the film, he wrote an irate essay titled, “If I made a movie that treated women the way Barbie treats men, feminists would want me executed.”

So dramatic.

He must have slept through the hundreds of movies that have failed the Bechdel test.

I have a feeling Morgan and his other agitated compadres are most triggered by “Barbie’s” ending, as the heroine rejects Ryan Gosling’s “Ken.”

These fragile men must have gotten physically ill hearing the word “no” directed at a dude with a six-pack, especially when they’re accustomed to seeing their counterparts consistently winning-while-ugly on the big screen.

Rummana Hussain is a columnist and member of the Sun-Times Editorial Board.

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